


Liars

by Fuchsia



Series: Puzzle [5]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 20:54:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 42,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4536960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuchsia/pseuds/Fuchsia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had already crossed the line once, but facing your feelings and what it may lead to is never easy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drifting

**Author's Note:**

> This work probably is the biggest part of the puzzle. It comes right after [Morning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3557201) and is meant to show the characters' journey from this moment to [The Kid](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2505299/chapters/5562605)'s epilogue, including the episode shown in [At night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3084053)
> 
> I can already tell you that this fic will be more than ten chapters long, although I'm still not sure of the final number. I well intend to finish it and I'm sure I can count on my wonderful beta to help me in that endeavour.
> 
> Of course, a huge thank you to [MissMegara](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMegara/pseuds/MissMegara) for everything you've done. I'm sure I wouldn't have written that much without you :)
> 
> \---
> 
> Disclaimer: This work is the product of my imagination. These characters and what they do is purely fictional.

‘’What do you think of this one? I like the colours of the flowers, although the plant is quite big in itself…’’

Cortney was talking to him, her face hidden behind a giant bunch of pink flowers. The colour was too bright for Javier’s taste and he blinked several times without answering her.

‘’So?’’  
‘’So what?’’  
‘’The pink ones or the weird purplish ones over there?’’

She pointed at another plant a bit further away while almost dropping the one she had in one hand.

Javier followed her finger and looked at the plant she was pointing at, but he didn’t really see it. His mind was full of something else and the thousand odours of flowers all around him started to make his head spin.

Cortney sighed, put the plant that was dangerously sliding from her hands back in its shelf and crossed her arms over her chest.

‘’What is it?’’

Javier turned his face towards her, a questioning look on his face.

‘’Pick whichever you want. Both plants look fine.’’  
‘’No I mean what is it with you? It’s like you’re not really there with me. I know picking out my mum’s birthday gift is not something terribly exciting, but you know how much I suck at this, and you always have good ideas. How can you let me buy this horrendous plant? I have no idea what I’m doing right now!’’

She laughed and he couldn’t help but laugh with her. Although he wasn’t sure they were laughing about the same thing. She was right. What the heck were they doing here? He didn’t even recall entering the shop.

‘’I’m sorry. I guess I’m not fully awake.’’  
‘’Well you should have slept instead of staying up all night playing stupid video games.’’

Javier froze and an inconspicuous shiver ran through him.

‘’Yes you’re right. What about this bonsai here?’’

He walked towards the tiny tree, trying not to think too much about Yuzuru’s lips brushing his skin.

Cortney cast a critical look at the little plant.

‘’You think she’ll like it?’’  
‘’It’s still better than this pink thing.’’  
‘’I guess you’re right.’’

She took the tree, examined it closely for a while before turning towards one staff person who was passing by to ask him all about bonsais. Meanwhile Javier took his phone out of his pocket for the hundredth time to check whether Yuzuru had answered his text. The look on his face this morning when he had joined Cortney and him in the kitchen hadn’t told him much about what he was feeling. He had wanted to tell him something before he left, but the next thing he knew Yuzuru had already disappeared from his flat, saying something about him having homework to do and them being busy with shopping right now. The only thing he’d left were his clothes from the day before, neatly folded on a shelf in the bathroom. Probably forgotten. Cortney had found them when going there to wash her hands and then had joked about how ridiculously small the shirt looked. ‘’I’m not sure I even fit in it’’ she had laughed, holding it in front of herself and turning it from side to side, before changing the subject entirely and adding ‘’Now you should treat me to a real coffee before anything else. What was that horrible thing you made?’’ She had laughed some more before rolling her eyes and casually dropping the shirt back where she had found it, taking Javier’s hand and pulling him towards the front door.

‘’We’re taking the geranium. Apparently a bonsai is a hassle to take care of. And my mum will probably make it die.’’

Javier was brought back to the here and there by his girlfriend who was handing him the pink thing.

‘’But I thought we’d established that this pink thing was horrendous.’’  
‘’I don’t know, I know nothing about plants, but on second thought it’s not that bad.’’  
‘’Are you sure about that?’’  
‘’No. I just suck at picking presents for my mum.’’

Javier put the geranium down.

‘’Then don’t take it. We’ll figure something out.’’

Cortney sighed, crossed her arms and impatiently tapped her fingers on her arm but finally relented.

‘’I guess I’ll continue searching this afternoon without you then,’’ she said with a deflated look on her face.

They left the shop and walked side by side in silence for a short while, until Cortney put her hand on Javier’s arm when they stopped at the traffic light where they knew they had to part ways. She turned towards him, a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

‘’Tonight I’ll have a present for my mum… and a present for you.’’  
She had added this last part with a wink. She lightly caressed Javier’s cheek, leaned in and kissed him sensuously to emphasize her point. He kissed her back, slowly pulled away and looked at her with his eyebrows raised high.

‘’The same kind of present? You know I’m not that into pink things in general.’’  
‘’Oh but you’ll definitely like this pink thing on me,’’ she whispered in his ear, casting him a last meaningful glance before walking away.

He smiled and watched her small figure turn at the street corner and disappear from his sight. He stayed like this for a while, a frozen smile plastered on his face and his brain still unable to work properly. All this seemed so normal. Almost too normal. Him and her shopping and bantering. Her being far better at picking some kind of indecent lingerie than choosing the right gift for her mum. Her being so carefree and oblivious of what was going on around her. Her stepping in this morning right when he was losing his head again. He rubbed two fingers on his forehead and took his phone out of his pocket once more, staring at Yuzuru’s name on the screen while cursing the day when his mother finally agreed to let him have a phone. Still nothing from him. So what was the point of owning a phone? Driving him crazy? Letting him know he had no intention of talking to him anytime soon? He wanted to do something, press on the green button and call him. And then what? He also wanted to throw this damn thing away and not answer Brian when his face suddenly appeared on the screen, almost giving him a heart attack, while his coach’s personal ringtone started to play louder and louder in his hand, urging him to pick up. This meant more work and more sweat while he wanted nothing more than to go back home, lie down and forget about everything that had happened these last 24 hours. This day had just started and yet he felt as if a million years had passed and that still a million years more were awaiting him. It seemed like he would never get out of this crappy day.

With a sigh he finally took the call.

‘’Yes?’’  
‘’Hey, Javi! Can you come to the rink earlier today? David wants to work with you on the choreography.’’

Loud music was playing in the background and Brian was almost shouting in his ear. This was worse than the ringtone itself.

‘’But he’s working with Yuzu this afternoon.’’

‘’Yuzu just left. He worked with him just now. Apparently he had things to do this afternoon.’’

Javier was stunned to silence for a moment. He knew exactly what this meant.

‘’Can I tell him you’re coming?’’  
‘’Sure. I’m on my way. ‘’

 

***

He had decided to leave his worries at the door of the club for now and fully focus on his work with David. Some parts of the choreography were still giving him problems and both of them had agreed that it needed some more adjusting. Javier was convinced the whole thing needed more complex transitions: this was an Olympic programme and he wanted it to be as challenging as possible, which meant he had to raise the difficulty to the next level considering the guys he was competing against. He wanted to leave his imprint in the judges’ minds on the D-day and thought his best weapon was his technical prowesses. But David thought he needed to master the steps better before thinking about adding more transitions elsewhere. He wanted him to be smoother and more connected to the programme as a whole. Otherwise he would never be able to sell it.

David and him were just about finished for the day and were now skating back to the board, still talking about the way Javier had to move his body in order to add more sharpness and flow to the step sequence. Javier wiped the sweat from his forehead and avidly drank from his water bottle when he looked at David from the side, who was sorting out the different musics he had used with his pupils today. He briefly saw Yuzuru’s name on one of them and before he knew it, his name had already left his lips:

‘’So you worked with Yuzu this morning? How is his programme coming along?’’

‘’Hum?’’ David absent-mindedly looked up from his pile of Cds and turned towards Javier.  
‘’Quite well,’’ he said after a short while, smiling. ‘’It’s not all there yet but Yuzu is fully committed to the programme and the performance. Now he needs to work on the way he’s conveying the emotions more. It’s all bottled up inside for now and he tends to put all his energy into the technical aspect of things, but I would like him to truly become the character he is portraying and let himself go while still keeping control. It’s a hard process but it will come. Just like for you. It’s a work in progress.’’

He smiled again at him fondly, patting his cheek before slowly walking towards the exit. He opened the door and turned one last time towards Javier who was ready to get back to work on his own.

‘’And don’t forget to work on your step sequence. Details, details. Remember that! You’re not all jumps.’’

With David’s words still playing in his mind, Javier spent the next thirty minutes working a sweat on his step sequence, repeating it over and over again, to the point of being able to do it with his eyes closed. Which consequentally caused him to bump into another skater and fall. He didn’t even allow himself the luxury of a break as he was lying on his back and quickly got up to prevent himself from thinking too much. He wanted his mind as blank as the ice he was skating on, focusing only on repetitive patterns that would wipe away any worries and lull him into a reassuring routine. He wanted to work until being eaten away by his own exhaustion. And maybe tonight when he’d close his eyes everything would become dark and silent, allowing him to clear the ice and cancel all the wrong turns and the false starts inscribed on the shiny white surface. Because nothing was supposed to be embedded in there forever. All cuts of the blade would eventually melt away and be erased in time, only to be replaced by others.

***

And there he was, lying on the white sheets of his bed that hadn’t been changed from the night before, Cortney dressed in a new pink lace corset, straddling him and unceasingly grinding against him, before slowly sinking to where he hadn’t let Yuzu go for fear of drowning too quickly. And as she was working her way between his thighs, moving her mouth around him with practiced ease, he couldn’t help but think that the whole room smelled of three persons instead of two, and that this was wrong. This was all wrong. The body against him felt more familiar than the one that had been there the previous night, but he felt as if he himself was another person altogether. Someone he didn’t know and who had no idea of what he was doing. He closed his eyes and could almost see that stranger on the bed that Cortney was having sex with. He watched him move and writhe and come, before the whole picture went blurry, darkness finally taking him away and swallowing him up.


	2. Sinking

This was the summer of 2006, him and a couple of friends from the neighbourhood were celebrating the end of the exam period on the beach with cigarettes and alcohol. The sun was setting down and the odour of salt from the sea was pleasantly mingling with the bitter one of tobacco in his mouth. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, almost feeling as if he were floating away, just like he did every time he put skates on and glided on the ice. The joyous chatter of his friends faded in the background for a while and he sighed contently, sipping on his beer and staring at the red orange sky, feeling as free as when he was skating. He was of course the only skater in the group and was quite frequently the object of teasings and bad jokes from his friends who’d imagined he was basically sliding around in tights and doing pretty arm movements all day long on the rink, among girls dressed up in sparkly, half-transparent dresses. And Javier always laughed along with them, because he was a good sport and never took offense. But the truth is they were actually quite jealous of him being surrounded by so many half-dressed girls, skating around with their legs stretched above their heads and twirling so fast their tiny skirts would lift up and show you what was underneath it… Of course training didn’t involve tight shiny costumes all the time but the guys didn’t have to know that, and Javier was more than happy to brag about being surrounded by that many hotties every time someone was mentioning to him he was doing a girly sport. And he did have his first sexual explorations in the girls’ changing room and private corners of the club. His hands had slipped under a skirt or two and had cupped one or two pairs of milky breasts between two training sessions. Until one day he had been sitting down in his own changing room with the only other guy who was skating in Javier’s group, and had felt the uncontrollable urge to press his lips against his and slip his hands under his shirt. It seemed exciting somehow, dangerous and forbidden. What he hadn’t anticipated though was that this boy, who had been haunting his imagination for a few months, now responded to his advances and even went further, slipping a wet tongue in his mouth and a sneaky hand between his legs. This was exploration only. Nothing more. But the fear of liking it had transformed the whole experience into something disgusting and unpleasant. He had violently pushed the boy away, screaming to him to never touch him again and had run as far as his legs could take him. After that he hadn’t wanted to go back to the club, fearing that the boy had told everyone about this incident. But the guy had quietly left a few weeks later because of his father’s work. At least that’s what Javier had been told about it. He had never seen him again after that and had ended up forgetting about this whole kiss experience, acting as if nothing had happened. He had slipped his hands under more dresses and had continued his breast explorations then without doubting one second that this was what he liked. And he had ended up being pretty good at this game, becoming quite the womanizer. Until that night when a friend of his asked him quite seriously between two puffs of cigarettes if the whole story was true… because he had heard from someone that had told someone that… Javier felt his heart beat faster and turned towards his friend to explain himself, to tell him that nothing of this was true… but this was not his high school friend sitting beside him. Yuzu was asking him if he had kissed that boy and if he had kissed another one since then, while puffing on his cigarette and looking at him with his almond-shaped eyes boring into him. He was taunting him, daring him to lie to his face while the truth was still stuck in Javier’s throat. Instead of answering him he leaned in and pressed his lips against his to shut him up. It felt like drowning again, and suddenly they were not on the sand anymore but sinking together in the water. But as Javier struggled to escape Yuzuru’s tight embrace to try and go back to the surface, he realized that this was not Yuzu holding him, but Cortney dressed in her bright lace corset. He violently tapped his foot on the ground when he felt he had reached rock bottom and shot up to the surface, only to find that there was ice all above him. Fear made his heart race so fast he felt as if it were exploding in his chest. He screamed until he felt someone whisper soothingly in his ear and softly caressing his arm.

‘’Shhhh. It’s bad dream. Just sleep.’’

Javier opened his eyes, his heart still ready to burst and realized he was not under the ice but in his bed.

‘’Yuzu?’’

‘’Just sleep,’’ he repeated before lying his head back on his chest and tightening his embrace.


	3. Parting

Javier had never got an answer to his text, and by the end of the week he had come to realize that Yuzuru’s schedule had changed quite a bit. While they mostly shared the same afternoon sessions because it was more convenient for both of them – Javier being unable to wake up early no matter how good his intentions were and Yuzuru preferring to study in the morning – Javier now regularly came to the rink only to find out that Yuzuru had already left. And this somehow made him laugh a bitter laugh, because Yuzuru was simply playing the game he himself had been playing until that night at his flat. But Javier wasn’t sure he liked that game anymore. And he had let him know that by leaving him a note shoved in one of the skates he had left in his locker, asking him to please meet him on the ice for one of their late solitary sessions. Once he was back at his place, he realized that Yuzuru would probably never find this piece of paper because those skates were the ones from last season. For some reason he had never taken them home, and now he sometimes lent them to those who needed a pair. Chances were that another person would find this note then, and Javier didn’t really know how he felt about it, but he kept showing up every night for a whole week and waited while repeating his programme again and again with his eyes closed. Until one night his ending pose was followed by timid clapping that came from the board, and when he opened his eyes he saw Yuzuru who was joining him with his old boots on.

‘’You become good,’’ he said smiling softly at him. ‘’I like this programme.’’

Javier grinned at him while a feeling of deep relief was washing over him. They were still able to smile at each other after all.

‘’I needed to focus on something.’’

Yuzuru nodded in understanding.

‘’I haven’t seen yours though. Nam told me you have worked hard.’’

Yuzuru wrung his hands and looked briefly at the ice. He could sense the subtle reproach in Javier’s voice. 

He lifted his head up and looked at him with a hint of shyness.

‘’You want to see it now?’’

Javier grinned again.

‘’I’d love to.’’

‘’It’s private session. Just for you.’’

They chuckled a bit and heard their own laughs resonate in the wide empty space. Javier thought it sounded strangely beautiful.

‘’Are you sure you’re going to skate well in those old boots?’’

‘’It’s old boots. I know them well.’’ 

Yuzuru skated back to the boards to put the music on and Javier sat crossed-legs on the ice next to him. He looked up at Yuzuru who was searching for the right track on his iPod, and studied his features from the side. His small face looked completely focused and serious, and Javier knew Yuzuru was already preparing himself to perform. He always did better when someone was watching him anyway. After a while Yuzuru skated back to the centre and made his blades screech as he took his starting position in one swift motion. Suddenly an ominous, heavy music took hold of the whole space and Yuzuru began to move and follow it in time. He quickly opened with a quad sal but as he launched himself in the air without a moment’s hesitation Javier saw his body tilt to the side and crash on the ice in what seemed like a painful fall. But he picked himself up and went on as if nothing had happened, putting the same energy in the next jump, and the next step, and the next spin… But Javier lost focus. All he could see was that lithe, airy body become the music and lightly caress him as it moved. There weren’t any rhinestones, any frill or glitter to help create the magic, and yet Javier was sure there was something about him that made him look almost unreal. 

Yuzuru skated back to him once the performance was over, still breathing heavily, and looked at him with expectant eyes. Javier could see the sweat glisten all over his face and his neck and couldn’t help but laugh.

‘’Why you laugh?’’  
‘’I’m just amazed at how much you sweat.’’

Yuzuru pouted and hit him lightly in the arm.

‘’You sweat too,’’ he mumbled.  
‘’Not as much as you.’’ He laughed a bit more and caught him by the hand as Yuzuru was pretending to leave, looking offended.  
‘’Come here, I’ll help you with that.’’

He took the towel he had brought for himself and wiped his face while still giggling.

‘’Seriously, you must be sweating your own weight in water.’’

Yuzuru looked curiously at him, and Javier realized that he probably hadn’t understood that last remark. But he had got the fact that Javier was still mocking him somehow and hit him again.

‘’Ouch! You know I’m going to have a bruise tomorrow!’’  
‘’Bruise is nothing.’’  
‘’You’re such a tough guy!’’

Javier was still gently wiping Yuzuru’s skin with his towel although there wasn’t much left to wipe. He slowed his movement down to a mere caress and realized their faces were only inches apart now. He leaned down almost instinctively to close the thin gap between them when Yuzuru pushed him away and took a step back. 

‘’No wait.’’

Javier felt like he was instantly jolted back to reality.

‘’I think it’s best we don’t.’’

Somehow he had known from the beginning that this was where their talk would lead them. Yuzuru’s silence this whole week hadn’t boded very well anyway. He wanted to say something too but realized Yuzuru was looking for words and he didn’t want to interrupt him. No need to make this more complicated than it already was.

‘’I had thinking about this. I like you. You’re someone special for me. Important. Very important. But this is too much. You have girlfriend. And I don’t know…’’

His voice trailed off and Javier spoke at last.

‘’I don’t know either. But I don’t want to lose you. This I know.’’

Yuzuru was still searching for his words, visibly struggling to find the right ones.

‘’I think we need time,’’ he finally murmured. 

And Javier silently agreed. 

They stayed frozen in place for a while, until they felt the cold envelop them and slowly slip into their bones. Javier felt his fingers become numb and he saw Yuzuru shiver.

‘’We should go now.’’

They made their way back to the locker room and changed in silence. Yuzuru put his old skates back in his locker and finally turned towards Javier.

‘’Tomorrow I go to Japan for few weeks. I see you when I come back.’’

‘’Will you train with me then?’’

Yuzuru smiled and nodded. 

‘’Yes. I like training with you.’’

He opened his mouth again as if he wanted to add something, but then stopped himself and simply turned on his heels.

‘’Wait.’’ 

Javier got up from his bench and joined him at the door. He took his chin between two fingers and lifted his head up to him.

‘’Goodbye,’’ he whispered.

And this time when he leaned in to softly kiss him, Yuzuru didn’t push him away. Because they both knew they were kissing goodbye. They pressed themselves against each other and Yuzuru put one last sweet kiss on his lips before opening the door.

‘’Goodbye.’’


	4. Moving on

Somehow the pink flower thing had ended up being delivered to Regina in Saskatchewan where Cortney’s mum resided. Javier had tried again to talk her out of buying it but his girlfriend had had other worries in her mind than thinking too much about that gift. And in the end it had been sent with a little card attached to it, on which both of their names appeared. Although Javier still thought he had nothing to do with it.

Originally Cortney and him were supposed to have gone to Regina together to celebrate her mum’s birthday there, and spend a few days of holidays in Cortney’s hometown before getting back to their respective training bases. But their plans had suffered some last minute changes, and their couples holiday had never happened.

Actually, Cortney had been on edge for quite a few months now because she had lost her dance partner and had been actively looking for another one with her coach, hoping she would be able to compete for the next season. Almost desperate she would find no one in time, she had even tried to convince Javier to quit singles and pair up with her for a new career start. They had joked about it a few times and had gone as far as trying some run-throughs together for fun, and even Cortney’s coach had thought Javier had the potential to become a good ice dancer. He had no problem lifting her up or making her spin, but was a complete disaster as far as twizzles and synchronization was concerned. And all Javier had taken out from this experience was the certainty of having made the right choice by deciding to skate as a single. He had realized that relying on someone else’s performance all the time and trying to meet that person’s expectations would have been far too much constraint and responsibility on his shoulders. 

Cortney had continued worrying a lot about her career future but had also been looking forward to escape to her hometown for a few days. And she thought Javier and her needed some time out together, far away from Toronto and the stress of their lives as elite athletes. She just wanted them to be a normal couple for once and finally take the time to properly introduce Javier to her family and to give him the opportunity to spend some quality time with her loved ones. Her mum, who was always cheering for him on TV and heard so many stories about him from Cortney wanted to dote on him for a few days.

But this time they would not make the trip as Cortney had received a call, announcing to her that an ice dancer from the Czech Republic was coming for a trial the day they were supposed to leave. This call had been quite unexpected and she had apologized at length for screwing up their holidays like this, but Javier had actually felt relieved. Meeting up with his girlfriend’s family at this particular time and being expected to act as the perfect boyfriend would certainly have made him feel like the biggest impostor ever. However, he did agree with Cortney that they needed some time together in order to rekindle the flame and find their rhythm again. As a result he had spent more time with her and had made more frequent overnight trips to her place. The feelings he had for someone else were squashed and locked in a part of himself that he didn’t want to open for now, and he concentrated on lavishing his girlfriend with all the attention he could give her. 

Cortney certainly appreciated the change of attitude and thought that between Javier and her newfound partnership with Michal, nothing could have got any better for her these days. They spent almost a whole week at her flat, taking advantage of her roommate’s absence, until the day when the roommate came back from her holidays and Cortney decided they would spend the next night at Javier’s place for a change. 

Javier picked her up at her rink that night after his own training and they stopped at a pub to have a drink with the members of her club. They stayed there a couple of hours and Javier finally met Michal, who told him, among other things, how fortunate he was to get to work with Cortney. They had just started and still had a massive amount of work to do to be able to dance as a couple, and yet he felt that they just clicked. And this was the most important thing for him. 

Once back at his place, Javier told Cortney about the conversation he’d had with Michal.

‘’So apparently you just click.’’

Javier was sitting on his bed with his back against the board, talking to his girlfriend who was removing her make-up in the bathroom.

‘’Yes that’s what I have been telling you. It’s better than with Daryn. I don’t know how to explain it… ‘’ She had come back to the bedroom, stopping in the doorframe while still removing her make-up as she talked. ‘’It’s like we speak the same language. With Daryn I had to learn how his body moved and I somehow copied it, but with Michal I can skip that part entirely and move on to the technical stuff right away.’’

She disappeared to the bathroom again with only half of her face done.

‘’Maybe it’s just because you both have more experience,’’ Javier eventually replied, raising his voice to be sure she could hear him. ‘’Daryn and you were still trying to find your balance on your skates when you started.’’

‘’Yes you may be right,’’ she said when coming back to the room dressed in her panties only.   
‘’Anyway he seems as enthusiastic as you are,’’ he added in a tone that he thought was neutral.

Cortney put her hair up in a bunch and looked at Javier from the side with a teasing smile on her lips.

‘’You’re not jealous, are you? You know I would have chosen you if you had accepted my offer.’’  
‘’I’m not jealous at all,’’ answered Javier with a laugh. ‘’I don’t think there’s much danger with him anyway.’’

He wasn’t sure she had caught that undertone in his voice.

‘’Oh you never know,’’ she said laughing too, ‘’be careful, he is quite the charmer with me.’’ 

Maybe she had. 

Cortney was rummaging in her overnight bag now without seeming to find what she was looking for.

‘’I think I forgot my nighty at my place,’’ she finally said with a sigh. ‘’Can I borrow something of yours?’’

Before Javier could say anything, she opened the drawer of his wardrobe and took the first shirt she found in there.

‘’Isn’t this Yuzuru’s shirt?’’ she said after unfolding it and checking the label for the size just to be sure. ‘’You still haven’t given it back to him?’’

Javier shook his head. He hadn’t even realized that he was holding his breath. 

‘’And you haven’t washed it either,’’ she said with even more surprise after sniffing it. 

She took another shirt from the drawer and put it on while taking Yuzuru’s shirt and throwing it in the laundry basket with the rest of their dirty clothes.

‘’Men…’’ she sighed dramatically while coming back towards the bed. ‘’You really need women to put order in your lives.’’

She switched off the light and crawled into bed next to Javier, snuggling against him and kissing him on the cheek. 

‘’Goodnight,’’ she told him before closing her eyes and quickly falling asleep.

‘’Goodnight,’’ he answered with his eyes wide open in the dark.


	5. Testing (the water)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's me again! Sorry for taking so long with this chapter but life got very busy for me at the moment :(
> 
> I had this chapter already written for some time but wasn't entirely satisfied with it: but now that I've discussed it with my ever so helpful beta I feel like it's time share it with you ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

They both had navigated their way around and found ways to not see each other for the whole summer. At least Javier knew he had, because it was easier this way. 

Yuzuru had gone to Japan to do ice shows, do public training sessions in his ice rink of Sendai and also take some time off in his country with his family. But apparently his schedule had kept getting busier with each passing day and his stay there had lasted far longer than it was supposed to at first.

While Yuzuru was still in Japan, Javier had gone there in turn for some ice shows in other parts of the country before deciding to stop a few days in Spain. He had told his girlfriend, who had been quite disappointed to not see him back in Canada with her, that it was high time he saw his family too. He was genuinely happy to do so, although he knew deep inside that he was simply buying time. And once there he had reverted back to a younger version of himself: eating up his mum’s food and meeting up with his pals in the heat of the Spanish sun, without almost any care in the world. 

Days had passed swiftly and easily there until he found himself opening the door of the Cricket Club again with that weird feeling of stepping into a completely different universe. The whole place was filled with a comfortable atmosphere of work and quiet that had nothing to do with the dull feeling of apprehension that was slowly gripping his guts as he made his way into the hallway. He waved and nodded to the people greeting him until he stopped and watched from a distance the two persons sitting at the lounge, eating and laughing. Yuzuru was sharing a rice ball with Nam who was apparently trying to guess what was in it before eating it, and Yuzuru kept laughing at what Nam was saying to him while shaking his head. After what looked like the tenth guess, Nam finally earned the right to eat that rice ball and made a small victory dance before hungrily biting in it. Javier couldn’t help but smile fondly at this scene. They both looked like carefree, twelve year old boys playing with their food, and Javier was sent back to the beginning of all this, when Yuzuru had started training at the Cricket Club. He would pass that hallway quickly then and not even stop at the lounge to eat or simply pause. Because he was all work. And Javier had had to take him by the hand and teach him to take a break and just breathe before thinking about stepping on that ice to get lost in his own world. 

He glanced at them again and found that they were now looking at something on Yuzuru’s phone and quietly talking about it. The expression on their faces had changed and Javier wondered what caused that flash of quiet determination to pass in Yuzuru’s eyes. But he was snapped out of his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder. 

‘’Hey Javi ! Good to have you back.’’ 

His coach, who had been watching him all this time from the open door of his office, was now greeting him. They hugged and Brian smiled warmly at him. 

‘’So, back to Toronto’s time? Did you have a good night’s sleep or did you take one of those sleeping pills that don’t work on you?’’ 

They both chuckled and Javier assured him that he was well rested and ready. ‘’You’d better be. It’s an important season for you. For all of you.’’  
Javier nodded and cast a fleeting glance to where the boys were seated. Brian followed his eyes and watched them too for a while before turning his attention back to Javier. 

‘’You need to stay focused. Like these guys are.’’ 

He nodded again, wondering if Brian was just being his usual mother hen self or if there was more to his words this time. He didn’t have the time to ask him though as his coach’s phone was already urging him to get back to his office to get that call. 

‘’I see you in half an hour on the ice. Get warmed up and don’t spend your time talking up the ladies over there.’’ 

He winked, knowing very well what his student was usually up to, and Javier raised a thumb up to his coach before making his way to his teammates. He was clearly overthinking this. 

Nam saw him first and raised a hand for their usual high five while smiling broadly at him. 

‘’Hey ! We were waiting for you. You’ll never guess what’s in that rice ball this time.’’ 

He looked playfully at Yuzuru who turned towards Javier, giving him a high five in turn. They looked each other in the eye and Javier thought he saw something different in Yuzuru’s stare, like a reminder of what they had told each other the last time they had talked. But it lasted only an instant and soon Yuzuru was fishing in his bag again, handing him his last rice ball while Nam was already asking Javier all about Spain and what he had done this summer. 

‘’Oh you know. Eating too much and doing some deep-sea diving with my dad. It had been a long time since I had last hung out with him.’’ He turned towards Yuzuru again, thanking him for the food.

‘’So, can I eat it now or do I have to guess?’’ 

Yuzuru smiled mischievously at him and Javier realized how much he had actually missed that smile. 

‘’You guess.’’  

‘’I’ll save it for after training then.’’ 

Yuzuru quietly nodded while Nam was putting his arm next to Javier’s, marvelling at how dark his skin was. 

‘’But aren’t you wearing a suit when diving ? How come you look as tanned as me?’’ 

‘’Well I ended up going to the beach more. I got my foot tangled in some kind of seaweed when diving and got stuck under water for a good while. It was a bit scary so I thought the beach was safer after all.’’ 

He was doing exaggerated gestures while explaining his mishap, both to be sure Yuzuru could follow and to make the whole thing sound more like a silly little incident rather than one of the biggest frights of his life. Even now he still didn’t understand why he had panicked so much on that day and was trying to convince himself that it had been more funny than anything. At least it seemed to work on Nam who was laughing like crazy 

‘’Hey. You’re not supposed to giggle like that,’’ he added at the end of his story while chuckling too. 

‘’Man I just can’t help it. I even have tears in my eyes,’’ Nam managed to say once his fit of laughter had subsided, before raising his head and seeing Brian pass by in the corridor. 

‘’Sorry guys I need to talk to Brian now. I catch up with you on the ice later.’’ 

He got up to run after their coach and Javier felt a light rush of air pass between him and Yuzuru who was sitting opposite him. He looked at him and saw how he had stopped laughing too and was now nervously fiddling with one of his bracelets, avoiding his gaze. Javier felt that cold feeling again in his stomach and didn’t even know where to begin. It was as if Nam’s unexpected absence had made him suddenly forget all the words he knew. 

‘’So what were you looking at on your phone with Nam? You seemed all serious about it,’’ he finally said to break that silence he wasn’t used to.

‘’You watched me?’’

Yuzuru looked surprised and Javier realized that he had just sounded like a creep. 

‘’No, of course not. I saw you two here but then Brian came to talk to me and...’’ 

Yuzuru put a gentle hand on his and finally smiled like he only did when there was no one else around. 

‘’It’s ok. I know. Don’t worry.’’ 

Javier looked down at their hands and Yuzuru quickly pulled his away, as if remembering that it had nothing to do there. He coughed and took his phone from his pocket instead, turning it towards Javier. 

‘’It’s Olympic gold medal. I take it with me always so I don’t forget.’’ 

Javier stared for the first time at the shiny medal on the screen. He hadn’t even had the idea of looking at it himself before. He had thought a lot about what he would be doing on that day on the ice but not about the possible reward and aftermaths. This was too abstract for him and he felt that if he focused on the medal too much he would lose sight of what he was supposed to do to get it. But Yuzuru wasn’t like him. 

‘’So you don’t forget what?’’ he asked at last while unconsciously letting his hand run on the tingling spot where Yuzuru’s fingers had been a moment ago. 

‘’That this is my goal. It’s only thing in my mind. It must.’’ 

Javier looked at him again and saw in his eyes all the things that he wasn’t saying to him. Or rather the things that he was saying to him now. That they’d both better keep their heads above the water. 

‘’We’ll both do our best then.’’ 

They silently nodded at each other before finally getting up and and walking towards the changing room side by side, ready to sweat on their programmes again. 

‘’So I can’t have at least a clue to help me guess what is in this rice ball?’’ he asked with a shaky laugh, if only to keep those tears he felt rushing in his eyes at bay. That cold feeling had now spread to his whole body. 

‘’No need. It’s your favourite.’’ 

Javier heard himself laugh again and finally felt a welcoming warmth replacing the cold inside. 

Of course it was.


	6. Forgetting

Yuzuru closed the door behind him as quietly as possible. Surely Javier didn’t hear that faint click as the lock snapped shut. He looked all around him in a daze, trying to find his bearings again, and then went for the stairs. He needed to drop by his place first to take a shower and grab a new pair of training gears before heading for the rink. Nothing of what he had planned for the day would change. He had to be there on time.

***

The first competition on his list this year was Finlandia Trophy. Although it never really felt like a competition to him but more as a warm-up session that he had to win, because he was trying out his new programme there and needed to know if it was suited to him and to the audience. He thought he would go against Javier there like he had done the year before but had been surprised to learn that this time he had decided to pass, preferring to go to the Japan Open instead. He had asked him about it and Javier had simply told him in a joking tone that he thought he wouldn’t stand a chance against him anyway.

‘’I don’t think that,’’ he had answered him in earnest. ‘’I still suck at quad sal.’’

His deflated look had made Javier shake his head with an amused look in his eyes.

‘’You’ll get the hang of it eventually. Don’t worry too much about that.’’

But no matter how reassuring Javier’s tone of voice had been, he had worried about it to the point of thinking about that only. Because when there was something bothering him, he just couldn’t let go of it. He either had to do it until he could do it perfectly, or he had to try to direct his obsession towards something else. And even then that unfinished business would still float around in his brain somewhere, threatening to come back to the surface to haunt him. He simply had to do it and do it right. Or else his mind wouldn’t be at ease when going to Finland.

So he had started to come back to the rink late at night to be sure he would be alone, deliberately forgetting about Brian’s advice to not practice too much on his own. Especially that quad, because he couldn’t risk an injury so close to the day of departure. But Yuzuru was stubborn, he would push his body until he would feel the right sensation. Until he would find how to position himself in order for him to land on his feet and not on his back as he did so often. And once he’d find it, he’d repeat it again and again to be sure it would be etched in both his brain and his muscles.

He had worked a lot on it with Brian these past few days, looking at videos of himself landing the jump right and others of him falling on it. He thought he had looked at it from every angle possible but still couldn’t spot that split second that made the difference between a good jump and a bad jump. Because it always felt like he would lose some control at some point, but didn’t know what to do to stabilize his axis. And yet sometimes he did it effortlessly. But it happened too fast for him to fully grasp what his body had just done. He just couldn’t reproduce it right away, so he kept going until he did it right again, always chasing after something that was eluding him.

 

Yuzuru went back to the board and got off the ice, letting himself fall on the bench and grabbing the notebook in which he wrote down everything about his jump attempts. He needed a chart to keep track of his progress, something clear and organized to help him find what was wrong. Or what was missing. He looked at the string of blue rings on the pages and sighed because there were so few red ones. Although he reflected that Javier would probably say to him again that this colour code was all too confusing for him. That the good jumps should be marked in blue and the failed ones in red. But Japanese didn’t see things that way, and Yuzuru had been raised to know that red meant right and blue meant wrong.

‘’And what about the green ones,’’ he had asked, still very much intrigued by the way Yuzuru classified his jumps.

‘’This is underrotated jumps.’’

He had looked at the notes Yuzuru had written next to each coloured circle and had finally shaken his head, a skeptical look on his face.

‘’You write too much. Come on the ice with me and feel that jump.’’

‘’It’s just because you can’t read Japanese,’’ Yuzuru had mumbled to himself while still following him to the centre of the rink.

 

And there he was again, at the centre of that same rink and back to square one, feeling at wit’s end but still trying that damn jump for the hundredth time this day. He hadn’t found what he was looking for in his notes, and as a result, he didn’t even try to make the rotation this time and just crashed on the ice in a tangle of limbs.

‘’It’s your hips. You don’t snap them quickly enough when you take off.’’

Yuzuru was still lying there, his legs opened at a weird angle and his eyes closed in exhaustion before opening them again at the unexpected sound of Javier’s voice.

‘’You’re here?’’

Javier now never stayed at the rink that late at night, unless Nam or any other member of the club was with them. Which didn’t happen too often.

He skated to him, offering him a hand to help him get up from the ice.

‘’I came back because I had forgotten something. And then I saw you do this through the window. You shouldn’t be here.’’

‘’But now you can teach me quad sal again,’’ Yuzuru said while getting back on his feet, his face lighting up. Somehow he was glad to see him here.

‘’I don’t have to do that because you know what to do to jump it. You’re simply too tired to do it right.’’

Yuzuru stared at the tip of his boots with a dejected look on his face.

‘’No I can’t. It’s like I forget it.’’

His voice was barely audible, and Javier felt as if Yuzuru almost wanted to melt into the ice underneath him and disappear.

‘’You didn’t forget anything. Let me show you.’’

He skated behind him and put his hands on his hips to help him reproduce that move on which he kept missing the timing. But he felt suddenly too close to him and ended up timidly grazing his sides only, not daring to add too much contact between them. He was ready to back away and show him the jump instead when Yuzuru’s hands grabbed his and put them back on his hips, holding them firmly.

‘’You know you can touch me,’’ he whispered in a tired voice.

Javier froze and looked down at their hands. Yuzuru was holding his so tight, his knuckles were starting to lose colour, his veins showing even more under the pale, delicate skin. He finally loosened his grip but still didn’t let go. And then their hands were moving, but Javier didn’t know whether he was the one moving his or Yuzuru was doing it for him. All he knew was that he was feeling that warm, tantalizing body under his touch again and that it made him instinctively press closer to him, feeling something awakening inside. His hands were slowly travelling over his stomach, feeling each and every one of his hard muscles twitch under his fingers before his hands glided further up onto his chest and stopped to tease his nipples, circling them over the tight fabric of his shirt. The only thing they could hear by now was the sound of their breathing. It had become heavier, and Javier’s hot breath was leaving a delicious tingling sensation on Yuzuru’s neck, causing a shiver to run up and down his spine. He felt Javier’s thumbs graze over his nipples which had become instantly harder and let a faint sound escape his lips, breaking the spell at last.

‘’You know I can’t,’’ he whispered back in the same tired voice before reluctantly freeing his hands from Yuzuru’s and slowly skating back to the board.

Yuzuru didn’t move, didn’t turn around and only heard the sound of him leaving the ice and then the place as the door leading to the lounge opened and snapped shut behind him. He stayed there for a while too before he remembered that he had nothing left to do here and that it was time to go home and sleep over everything. That it was time to forget again. Javier’s touch was still clinging to his body but he tried to ignore that, just like he tried to ignore the pounding of his heart in his chest. He left the ice in turn, put his skate guards on and went to the locker room as if it were a night like any other night, as if he were just leaving the club after overworking himself for hours on the ice.

He pushed the door of the changing room open and saw Javier who was putting his skates back into his own locker.

‘’It was your old skates,’’ he said when he saw Yuzuru look at him in surprise. ‘’I left mine in my car.’’

Javier felt as if he had been caught red-handed and immediately turned away to sit on the bench and put his shoes back on. He needed to breathe and calm himself down. Or better, he needed to leave that stuffy room as quickly as possible.

Yuzuru simply nodded and went to his locker in turn, grabbing some fresh clothes and disappearing into the showers without taking his training gear off. He would do it inside the stall.

The cold of the harsh water pelting down his back and the noise it made all around him eventually drowned everything else outside and inside. He didn’t know how long he had stayed in there but he knew it was long enough for Javier to have left by now. He turned off the water and dried himself before putting on some pants on and opened the door. He needed to get to his bag because he had forgotten to bring a shirt into the stall with him.

The cold of the outside hit his skin even harder than expected and he almost ran to his bag to get something to put on. He was already sticking his hands into the sleeves of his shirt when Javier’s voice startled him once more.

‘’You left your clothes at my place.’’

Yuzuru finished putting his shirt on and swallowed hard, facing his choices. He turned towards Javier who hadn’t left that bench after all, and this time he held his gaze.

‘’I know.’’

 


	7. Beginning(s)

The first time Javier had sex wasn’t with one of the girls from his club or his first official girlfriend. It was with that woman all the guys went to see when they wanted to lose their virginity. Because she had experience and could teach you how to do it right. She knew what women liked and what men liked. And she liked to have the upper hand and guide your every movements until you learnt to do it right. Until it became instinctive and natural.

Javier always had been a good-looking guy, easy to talk to and just fun to be around. So of course finding a girl to go out with had never been a problem. Come to think of it, he had never been alone in his life but always had someone in his bed at night. Because being alone wasn’t something he could do. He needed contact and companionship. He needed someone by his side who he could make laugh and share his joy and his pain with. Share what it was that made him ‘him’. But then these persons would come and go, and he’d realize that he had never truly shared anything with them. That he had let them believe that they knew who he really was. And that he had just played along with it.

Somehow touching all these teenage girls hadn't felt like the real thing to him, which is why he thought he needed to try out with someone who knew rather than someone who was just exploring with him as well. Someone who wouldn't base their first impression on him but who would take care of the whole experience for both of them. That woman had taught him what it was to touch a girl and how to build up pleasure for both her and him. What it was to touch the other. She had given him the confidence that, yes, he could do it. And that it felt good to just let yourself sink into someone else's warmth and forget who you were for a little while. Although it always felt like something was missing anyway.

Javier remembered almost nothing of his first time with Cortney because he had been drunk and completely out of it. His body must have reacted to her charms and done what he had been used to doing with all the girls he had been with before. He knew she had had a crush on him for a good while now and had seen her at a few parties and pub nights he had been to since arriving to Toronto. He was trying to make new acquaintances and build some new relationships in that town which was to become his home and had ended up being part of her group of friends. She was cute and funny and very bubbly, always laughing at his jokes and hanging at his arm. And one morning he had woken up with her naked body next to his and had decided that it didn’t feel that bad and that he could get used to it. That she could fill that space he somehow never managed to fill with anyone else.

And it worked for a while, although Cortney never let him drink that much now that they were together because she always feared somehow that another girl would use that same trick to get him in her bed. Because she knew what kind of effect he had on people in general and how quickly you could fall in love with him. Because Javier loved to have people around him and never held back with anyone, always laughing and hanging out with everyone. You couldn’t really own him or be sure he wouldn’t get bored with you at some point.

Cortney’s fear of losing him was what had made him suddenly feel uneasy about their relationship. And the more she tried to make sure he wouldn’t get away from her embrace, the more he felt himself inevitably drift away from her. But these new feelings that were slowly blooming inside of him for someone else were equally as scary as the idea of feeling stuck forever in a relationship that happened to him one morning and that he had decided he would make work. He had put so much effort in it, he just couldn’t destroy all this by giving in to desires that would only make his life more complicated than it already was. Desires that would make his life completely foreign.

And yet, he had already given in once. And when Yuzuru had turned around and said he wanted to wear those clothes again, he knew he would give in once more. Because this time it was not as if he had drunk to the point of being unable to consciously make a decision. He wanted this, there was no questioning it anymore. So they had left the club together and driven to his place, knowing very well that there was no turning back this time. That they had waited long enough and that nothing had changed.


	8. Tasting

Javier had not even finished closing the door behind them when Yuzuru was already kissing him again, pressing him against that door and slipping a hot tongue between his lips as if he feared they wouldn’t have enough time to truly taste of each other. His hands had disappeared under his shirt and were impatiently roaming on his all body, gliding over his pecs and abs before sliding down his back and dipping in his boxers, possessively kneading at the flesh there. Javier moaned in his mouth and held his face between his hands, kissing him back deeply while he felt those hands all over him and something hard already pressing against his groin. Yuzuru broke the kiss in a wet smacking noise and let his lips lightly slide on his jaw.

‘’Touch me again,‘’ he whispered in a low voice against his ear while taking Javier’s hands that were now resting on his neck and putting them under his shirt. His moist breath and the caress of his tongue in his ear sent Javier a thrill of pleasure that ran through his whole body, making his toes curl on the floor. He let his hands run in turn over the smooth porcelain skin that was hiding under the hindering fabric and felt his heart beat even faster, wondering for a brief moment if this was not only another one of his fantasies. He finally discarded Yuzuru of his shirt and let him do the same for him before kissing him hard again, grabbing him by the waist and rubbing his growing erection against his. They both moaned into the kiss this time and Javier forced himself to detach his lips from his for a second.

‘’Bedroom,’’ he muttered while he started moving away from the door, his body still pressed against Yuzuru’s and his lips back on his. They made their way through the dark and finally fell onto Javier’s bed, not bothering to switch on the light in there either. 

As soon as they hit the bed, Javier put his mouth back where it had been the last time Yuzuru’s body had been under him, just above the waistband of his boxers, resuming his exploration there. He let his tongue roll in his navel until he heard Yuzuru sigh in pleasure and felt him thread his fingers into his hair again. His hands went down to caress his thighs while his mouth kept going further up, tasting and nibbling at every inch of burning skin he would find on his way. The moment his tongue started playing with one of his nipples, Yuzuru moaned loudly again and arched his back into his mouth, his hips urgently pushing up into Javier’s. Yuzuru’s hands were now running all along Javier’s back and pushing both his pants and his boxers down, his sneaky fingers slipping in between them and wrapping around his length. 

Javier breathed in sharply and thrust instinctively into the hand that had started to slowly stroke him. He bent down to give Yuzuru a harsh kiss and hooked his fingers into the waistband of his pants, finally getting rid of the last pieces of clothes that were keeping him from the feeling of his naked body against his. 

Their hot skins brushed against each other and Javier felt Yuzuru’s erection press against his belly while his silky fingers had resumed their slow stroking. He groaned in his mouth at the feeling and finally let his own hand venture in between them and grab at the cock that was rubbing against him again, matching his rhythm to the one Yuzuru had set. He both heard him whimper against his lips and felt his hand jerk him faster as soon as Javier had started touching him too, encouraging him to do the same to him. Javier let himself be guided by the delicious sensation Yuzuru’s whole body elicited on him, moving his hand around him in time with his hips and feeling himself get lost in the cadence, unable to distinguish his own pleasure from his. Their half-open mouths were a mere inch apart, their breaths and gasps mingling with each other until one of them closed the gap to crash his lips on the other’s for another heated kiss. Javier quickened the pace even more, feeling light-headed with need and rushing to reach that climax that kept building up at the pit of his stomach. He was almost there but he felt Yuzuru’s fingers suddenly let go of him to wrap tightly around his neck instead. His hips kept pushing erratically in Javier’s fist, his face now buried in the crook of his neck and his teeth almost biting in his shoulder, his orgasm too close for him to be able to control his movements any longer. 

They were both feeling as if they were riding the same wave and ready to be washed away by it any moment now when Yuzuru’s fingers started losing grip again and dug deeply into Javier’s back, the wave finally crashing upon him in a violent sweep. His tiny frame tensed and trembled against the body he was tightly holding on to, his breath hot and ragged in Javier’s ear and his hips twitching until he came into his fist with a long, liberating moan. 

When Yuzuru’s tremblings had finally subsided, Javier pressed his forehead against his and let him catch his breath. He was panting as heavily as him and waiting to kiss those tempting lips that kept frantically opening and closing under his. The fingers that had dug into his back had left a stinging sensation behind but he was still feeling so hard, he could barely register the pain. Yuzuru finally pushed himself up to give him that languid kiss he was waiting for and ran a soothing hand on his back before he flipped him over. His mouth was already leaving a trail of hot kisses on his inner thigh and his fingers lightly stroking him again. Javier closed his eyes and clawed his hands into the sheets when he felt Yuzuru’s lips brush his cock from base to tip and then his tongue tentatively lap at the head that was slick with precum. To know this was Yuzuru’s mouth touching him there was almost too much for him to take and he was ready to stop him like he had done before when he felt those lips become more daring and wrap around him with a wet noise. The heat was so consuming, his hips jerked up and Yuzuru sucked a bit at the tip before releasing him, his fingers replacing his mouth again. Javier whimpered and thrust up in his fist, desperate with need and ready to let himself go but those fingers stopped what they were doing once more.

‘’Yuzu I…’’ 

Javier couldn’t even finish that thought before Yuzuru had taken him back in, sucking a bit harder this time as he was slowly getting used to the feeling. His mouth and fingers had just started to find a new rhythm when Javier felt his eyes suddenly roll back in his head and his whole body being washed away in turn by a wave of pleasure that hit him so hard, he didn’t have the time to free himself from the heat enveloping him. He felt Yuzuru choke a bit and then release him while Javier was already muttering sweet apologies in Spanish and lovingly caressing the face which was now pressed against his thigh. Yuzuru lay there for a while, still slightly coughing and one hand leisurely moving up and down Javier’s leg as a way to signify to him that he was okay. He finally pushed himself up to lie next to Javier, who was gradually coming back to his senses, and wrapped his arms around him. Javier heard him whisper something in Japanese in his ear and felt him smile against his cheek.

‘’Bitter?’’  
‘’Yes, that word.’’

They both softly chuckled and Yuzuru pressed his sweet lips on Javier’s as if wanting to share a bit of that bitterness with him. They sighed into the tender kiss and snuggled a bit further up to each other, their exhausted bodies ready to sink into slumber together. Javier tightened his embrace around the slender, masculine frame that was resting half on top of him and left a last kiss on Yuzuru’s closed eyelids.

‘’Sweet dreams.’’


	9. Erasing

Yuzuru slowly turned the key in the lock and opened his door as quietly as he had shut Javier’s behind him when he had left. The sky had just started to clear up a bit. He hoped his mum was still asleep although he knew she was an early riser like him. The door closed without almost any noise but the clatter coming from the kitchen immediately told him that all his efforts had been in vain.

‘’Yuzu is that you?’’

His mum appeared at the end of the corridor in her dressing gown. A smile lit up her face when she saw him and she came over to greet him.

‘’I wasn’t expecting you now. Weren’t you supposed to directly go from Javier’s place to the rink?’’  
  
Yuzuru sharply nodded and then froze while he let his mum put her arms around him.

‘’Yes but I forgot to take a change of clothes. I just have the time to take a shower now.’’

With a surprised look on her face she watched him squirm away from her embrace.

‘’You don’t even have the time for breakfast?’’

He smiled gently at her before pushing the door of the bathroom open.

‘’Maybe. I’ll be quick.’’

***

The minute Javier opened up his eyes, he knew something was wrong. He had already woken up once in the middle of the night because of a bloodcurdling nightmare that had left a vivid impression on him, and he had only got back to sleep thanks to Yuzuru’s peaceful presence. But that presence was once again gone, leaving him alone with his irrational fears and the feeling of something being taken away from him against his will. The sunlight pouring from the outside was what had woken him up this time and Javier got up to close the curtains and keep the annoying light on the other side. He then stopped and held his breath, listening for any sound that would indicate to him that someone was still there, but the only thing that greeted him was dead silence.

He sat down on the edge of his bed and ran a tired hand in his tousled hair, trying to put some sense back to all this.  
The night before had happened, there was no doubt about that. The scratches Yuzuru’s short nails had left on his back were still slightly hurting and the room still smelled of their lovemaking. And all this had felt right like it hadn’t felt in ages, or maybe never. But then reality had caught up to him once again, leaving him with that emptiness that always seemed to cling to him somehow. Although Javier didn’t really know what he was expecting from all this. Or what Yuzuru expected either. They had put everything on hold and had done their best to keep their hands off of each other, only to cave in and take a step further into the dark. And now Javier wasn’t too sure whether they were going forward or backward because Yuzuru was still a mystery to him. And what they had together something he just couldn’t define.

Javier got up once again to get out of the room but he walked over something hard on his way and felt a sharp pain shoot through his bare foot. He bent down to get whatever he had just put his foot on and saw that this was his phone. It must probably have fallen from the pocket of his pants when Yuzuru had taken it off for him. The battery was dead and Javier realized that Cortney must have tried to reach him quite a few times since last night. Actually it was because he had forgotten his phone at the club that he had gone back there long after his training was done. Cortney and him had the habit of sending each other texts before going to sleep when they were apart so they could tell the other a bit of how their day had been and wish each other good night, despite not sharing the same time zone. But then the phone had once again been forgotten and Javier had completely lost track of time. So to speak.  
  
He put in the phone charger and knew he was supposed to switch the thing on, read all the messages left by his girlfriend in there, and then apologize for not responding sooner. But all he cared for now was to see whether Yuzuru had written him something this time. Anything. The minutes it took his phone to be turned on seemed like forever to him, and he had to sit down again and give himself a mental slap when he realized his heart was beating way too fast. He quickly scrolled down through all the texts he had received and felt his heart sink when he saw that none of them were from him. He didn’t feel like reading the other messages that were waiting to be opened by him now and decided to do as if he hadn’t seen them at all. He simply switched his phone off again, threw it on the bed and got out of the room without tripping on anything more.

He came back from the shower a little while later with his thoughts much clearer. He opened the windows of his room wide to let some fresh air in and stripped off the sheets from the bed to replace them with others. Once this was done he finally took his phone back, switched it on again and set out to immediately call his girlfriend before he would change his mind. His finger was already hovering over her name when he remembered that it must be something like three in the morning where she was, and that she had probably given up in waiting for him to call her back. A text would do for now. A little something to reassure her and let her know he would be there to go get her at the airport tonight like he had promised.

_Sorry honey, I fell asleep like a dead weight yesterday._

_I_ _see you tonight at 9._

_Have a good flight._

He read his little white lie a few times, almost surprised at how easy and impersonal it looked, and sent it with the sure feeling of going down a slope he knew he wouldn’t be able to climb back. He checked the time and saw that only twelve hours were separating him from the moment he had to be at the airport to face his new version of the facts. He got up, quickly gathered his things and decided to leave for the club right away. He’d rather be there than feeling trapped in here with his own guilt.

He was ready to go and just had to reach for his keys which he always put on the side table next to the front door when he realized that something else was there too. It was one of Yuzuru’s bracelets. He took it in his hand and delicately fiddled with the beads for a moment, a soft smile spreading on his face and the panic in his heart slowly morphing into something else. He finally put it back exactly where it was and took the keys instead. That night would still be there after all, no matter how well he would lock the door on it.


	10. Catching up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With all my best wishes for Yuzu this weekend! ;)

Javier was scrutinizing the ice, looking at the ballet of skaters on there who were busy adding fresh cuts of their blades on the slippery surface. Sometimes it was as if some of them seemed to almost forget how slippery the ice was and found themselves lying on it with a surprised look on their faces, unable as they had been to anticipate their fall. But Brian would always be there behind them, urging them to get up and just go on, because falling was part of the deal after all, and it didn’t mean your next move wouldn’t be as close to perfection as you wanted it to be. But to reach that perfection, you needed to learn to get up first, and then learn that perfection wasn’t something you could reproduce right away. You would sometimes think it’d be in your hands, only to see it slip away from your fingers again. And wasn’t this after all what made them come back there day after day? To get that feeling of completeness every time they’d master a move or an element they’d spent months working on? Even if that feeling would only last an instant…

The whole rink resonated of work this morning that seemed like any other morning, and Javier was looking for a familiar slight figure in the crowd, hoping he wasn’t too late after all. Tracy was teaching a group of three girls in the back while David and Brian were quietly talking to each other on the side, their eyes never leaving the skaters, and sometimes interrupting themselves to give advice to those who needed one. But that figure that usually stood out even in a crowd full of the most talented skaters was nowhere to be seen. Javier was still searching, although he knew it was no use now, when Brian’s eyes suddenly met with his and he skated towards him.

‘’Looking for someone?’’ he asked with his eyebrows raised high.

Javier lightly chuckled to hide his embarrassment and cast a glance towards David who was still looking at what the skaters were doing.

‘’Well yes actually, since David is here, I wouldn’t mind going over my programme again with him. Just to be sure I’m ready for Japan.’’

Brian nodded before smiling at him in a reassuring way.

‘’The last thing you need is to be nervous about it. But you’re right, it’s good to have a last overview with your choreographer. Actually you’re lucky, he’s just finished with Yuzu. Go get ready while I tell him you’re working with him now.’’

Javier had already started to leave, knowing now that he had a chance to catch up with Yuzuru who was probably still changing, when Brian stopped him.

‘’And be ready to work hard today, because after that I’ll be going over some of your jumps with you. I noticed you were slightly off on your axel lately.’’

He absent-mindedly nodded at his coach, knowing somewhere in the back of his head that Brian was right, that he had started to lose the feeling of the jump lately. But right now all he wanted was to reach the changing room before Yuzuru would be able to leave again. Then his mind would be free to think about the rest. 

Once in front of the door, he quietly pushed it open, as if he feared he would not find him in there otherwise. He saw him seated on the bench opposite him, all ready to leave and bent over to tie up his shoes. His headphones dangled around his neck and his slender fingers quickly twirled and pulled the laces of his trainers. He was the only one in there since the morning session wasn’t over, and the room seemed suddenly wider than Javier remembered it. He watched him for a few seconds, unaware as Yuzuru was of his presence, before he finally interrupted him.

‘’Hey.’’

Yuzuru looked up from his shoes. He stopped dead in his movement, the laces still in his hands and a bashful smile forming on his lips that Javier wasn’t sure he had ever seen on him before.

‘’Hey,’’ he answered in the same soft voice.

‘’You’re leaving? Already?’’

Javier was still at the door, almost hesitating to enter the room. He finally came to sit next to Yuzuru who had straightened up. 

‘’I wanted to stay more. But Brian says I’m too tired to go on. So he sent me back.’’ He rearranged his bangs with one finger, as he always did when he didn’t know what to do with his hands.

‘’Well, you didn’t get much sleep last night, did you? ‘’ He timidly chuckled and saw Yuzuru’s faint blush intensify while his eyes were busy looking in any direction but his.  
‘’You know, last night was… well, it kinda sucked to wake up without you.’’ Javier had added that last part in a whisper, feeling almost stupid for saying it out loud. 

‘’I had training. David can only work with me in mornings at the moment. And… you were asleep… you had nightmare. I thought you need sleep.’’  
There was a slight hesitation in his voice, as if something was left unsaid behind his words.

‘’So next time you’ll stay?’’  
Javier took his hand in his, waiting for Yuzuru to turn his gaze back towards him.

‘’Next time?’’  
He briefly glanced up at him from the side, his expression both shy and teasing.

‘’Well, you don’t want a next time?’’ Javier quietly asked while looking at the hand he was still holding in his, not daring to look up again.

‘’Maybe,’’ Yuzuru whispered in turn. They finally looked each other in the eye and Javier saw in Yuzuru’s intense stare the answer to his question.

Javier let his thumb delicately run over Yuzuru’s naked wrist.

‘’You won’t miss it in Finland?’’

Yuzuru shook his head and looked down at their hands too.

‘’It’s in good place now,’’ he said with a soft smile. 

Javier nodded, that same smile lighting up his face again. He watched their fingers lace with each other for a while, neither of them saying anything more. It almost felt as if time had stopped, the flutter of their hearts being the only sound in their ears as their skins brushed against each other once more. 

‘’But I don’t know when is next time,’’ Yuzuru finally said with a hint of sadness as he got up from the bench, his fingers slowly slipping from Javier’s grip and his eyes looking away again. Javier held him back before he could completely free himself from his hold. 

‘’Yuzu wait. Like you said before, I need time.’’

Yuzuru nodded without a word, and this time Javier slowly opened his hand to let go of him. He felt his fingers graze his one last time and then heard the door open and close behind him, leaving him alone in a room that seemed wider than ever.


	11. Hiding

And as soon as Javier had got out of the locker room in turn, his life had gone back to what he would call ‘normal’. That night he had greeted his girlfriend at the airport just like he had promised, but simply found himself unable to tell her, because he didn’t even now what to tell. He had cheated on her with someone. And if this wasn’t bad enough, this someone was a man. Someone who was so many things to him all at once, he didn’t really know who he was anymore. He still cared for her but his feelings were spinning out of control as soon as he was thinking of him. And what he felt when he was with him was simply beyond words for him to try and explain. And yet the very idea of him being with Yuzuru seemed somehow so ludicrous that Cortney wouldn’t have suspected a thing anyway. He had changed the sheets of his bed and lied about what he had actually been doing the night before, and this had been enough to seemingly erase any trace of what had happened. Cortney didn’t question the thing any further, didn’t seem to notice Yuzuru’s bracelet on the table next to his keys or the scratch Javier still had on his back. Or maybe she did but didn’t say a word about it. So much so that Javier started somehow to believe his own lies, for the sake of his sanity anyway, and ended up leaving for Japan with that Pandora’s box still left unopened between them both. 

At that point in time, the three of them were all scattered around the globe anyway, ready to face their own demons on the ice for their next competitions. And while Cortney and Yuzuru were both somewhere in Europe, he found himself stranded in Yuzuru’s homeland once again, surrounded by his language and his dark, slanting eyes wherever he set foot on. It was as if no matter how far he went, he just couldn’t escape his presence, both outside and in his own mind. 

And maybe his mind was too full of things and feelings left unsaid, to the point that he suddenly felt completely exposed and insecure out there in the middle of the arena, in front of the judges, the crowd and the TV cameras. This was too much. And for the first time in a very long time, he found himself simply unable to perform. He had done just fine during the Japan Open the month before, when competing for team Europe in a kind of mock competition, but now that he was entering the NHK for himself, he felt as if he were putting on skates for the first time. His boots felt too heavy and tight, and as a result his jumps lacked balance and accuracy. His whole skating felt wobbly and amateurish at best. His quads, which usually were his strongest suit, were falling apart one after the other. At the end of his programme he still smiled at the blind, loving crowd who was lavishing him with flowers and soft toys once again, cheering for him no matter what, but his smile wavered as he felt unworthy of so much support and kindness.

Brian had been as supportive as ever throughout the whole ordeal, trying to calmly analyse his performance in the Kiss and Cry to find the reasons for what had gone wrong. But he also had felt that Javier needed to be alone with himself for the time being and had left him his space. It’s only later at night that he had found him again, seated in the hotel’s lounge with a glass of scotch and today’s newspaper in his hands.

‘’You think that getting drunk will help you understand Japanese better?’’ Brian said with a chuckle while pointing at the newspaper.

Javier laughed along with him and had his first genuine smile of the day since his failed performance. Brian felt relieved to see him this way and knew that no matter what, Javier would bounce back. 

‘’May I join you?’’

‘’Of course,’’ he said while offering him the chair opposite him. ‘’I don’t do well on my own anyway.’’

‘’Giving up on that newspaper already?’’

‘’Hey, I could read some stuff. Like the word ‘figure skating’ right here.’’   
He was looking for the word again, hidden somewhere in the pages full of foreign symbols, but just couldn’t spot it anymore. ‘’Well, it just had taken me twenty minutes to figure that out,’’ he said with another laugh while finally abandoning his search and dropping the newspaper on the table. ‘’Can I offer you anything?’’ he added as Brian was sitting down.

‘’A soda will be just fine for me. I’m an old man now.’’

He smiled fondly at Javier who had hailed a waitress and was now trying to order the drink in Japanese. It took some repeating and gesturing, but in the end the waitress seemed to have understood his request.

‘’It reminds me of you and Yuzu,’’ he said once she had left. ‘’How you kept having all those nonsensical conversations at first.’’

He saw how Javier paused in his movements for a split second before his lips curled into a somehow nostalgic smile.

‘’Things were simpler back then,’’ he commented in an almost absent way, momentarily lost in his own memory.

‘’They still are,’’ Brian answered with confidence. He nodded in the direction of the floor and pointed at something which was lying next to Javier’s chair. ‘’Look what just fell from your jacket.’’ 

Javier looked down in turn and saw that it was Yuzuru’s bracelet. For some reason it kept reappearing in the least expected places. He was about to put it back in the pocket of his jeans when he met Brian’s eyes. His soft, piercing blue stare was both open and full of questions.

‘’I think you may be the only skater coming to a competition with one of his rival’s lucky charms on him,’’ he eventually said with a curious laugh. 

‘’Well, technically I didn’t have it on me when I skated,’’ Javier instantly replied while echoing Brian’s strange laugh. 

‘’Which would explain what happened today on the ice?’’

‘’No of course not. I don’t know what I did out there, but suddenly I could not trust my skates…Nor myself actually.’’ He lowered his eyes and took the bracelet into his hands, making the beads roll under his thumbs and nervously tapping his foot on the floor. Something was clearly bothering him.

‘’What do you mean?’’ Brian asked softly. 

‘’I felt nervous. And those boots were hurting me. It’s like I can’t get used to them,’’ Javier mumbled after a while, shaking his head and raising his eyes to look at his coach at last.

‘’You didn’t mention it before. Is it the first time it happened?’’

Javier shook his head again. He clearly remembered one time when his boot had suddenly felt so tight, he’d thought his foot might have swelled up and changed size during the night. That day hadn’t been a great skate either but Nikolai had simply given him one of his friendly pats in the back that Javier thought lasted entirely too long and had brushed away his complaint about his boots. According to him it was all in his head. Maybe it was.

‘’It happened to me once, some years ago, but only for one competition.’’ 

‘’If this is getting only worse, maybe you should take your old ones back. You know how boots problems can completely screw up the season. And this season is too important for you to screw up,’’ Brian said while putting his hand on the bracelet Javier was still nervously fiddling with to make him stop and focus.

‘’You’d tell me if there was something else,’’ he added in earnest while searching for his pupil’s gaze. Javier looked up to him and it was easier to read him than an open book. 

‘’I…’’

He had just started to open his mouth to answer his coach’s question when he got interrupted by the waitress.

‘’One soda sir,’’ she chimed in in Japanese while neatly putting a coaster and then the drink on the table. Every one of her gestures was both very accurate and graceful, like those of a tiny mechanical ballerina. 

‘’Correct?’’ she then added in English while turning to Javier with a questioning look on her face.

‘’Correct,’’ he answered with a gentle smile.

Her small face lit up and she bowed down while adding some more Japanese words that Brian knew were meant to say something along the lines of ‘enjoy your drink’.

‘’I’ll get the hang of that language at some point,’’ Javier told him on a confident tone, the usual sparkle coming back to his eyes. It was as if he seemed to have forgotten about what he had just been about to say. 

‘’Well, it’s so foreign to everything you know at first, but then you practice it and you realize you know it far better than you’d thought,’’ Brian answered while raising the drink to his lips and following Javier’s lead. 

Javier emptied his own glass and felt the hot ember liquid leave a burning trail down his throat, making him feel warm and cozy inside. 

‘’Yes, it’s exactly like that.’’

They enjoyed their drink together for a little while more, their conversation slipping further away from their previous talk. They spoke about many things, like they always did, occasionally laughing at the other one’s stories as both of them shared jokes and anecdotes from their pasts. The tension they had been put under all day long was slowly leaving their bodies, until Brian rose up from his chair, declaring that he felt officially worn out and that he needed a bed now. He was just about to leave Javier to his third glass of scotch when he felt a hand hold him by the wrist, making him stop dead in his track.

‘’What do you think I should do?’’ Javier whispered at last, his tone of voice completely different from what it had been a moment ago. 

‘’About your boots?’’ Brian asked, knowing instantly this wasn’t what Javier actually meant.

‘’No. About that bracelet.’’

They both glanced at it on the table. Javier still hadn’t put it back in his pocket, leaving the topic out there in the open, silently waiting in the middle of half-empty glasses.

‘’Do you like it?’’ Brian asked while sitting back down and searching once again for Javier’s eyes. 

‘’Yes. A lot,’’ was the immediate answer. If he was sure of one thing, it was this. 

‘’Do you feel better when wearing it?’’ Brian continued as Javier seemed to be more inclined to open up to him now. 

‘’I like having it on me. But I don’t like people to see.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’I’m not sure. I…’’ His voice trailed off, as once again, words failed him. 

‘’You know, people don’t have to see. They don’t even have to know you’ve got it if you don’t want them to know,’’ Brian continued for him in a gentle tone when he saw that Javier wasn‘t about to finish that thought. 

Javier slowly nodded, feeling utterly stupid and yet unable to shake off that feeling of uneasiness that had kept hold of him since that morning he had woken up alone. 

‘’There’s only one advice I can give you,’’ Brian said at last once Javier had finally found it in him to look up again. ‘’Be careful of two things: one is not to hide it so well you’re hiding it from yourself. Second is not to hide it somewhere you could misplace it and then lose it.‘’

Javier faintly smiled and nodded once more. He finally took the bracelet from where it had been lying on the table all this time and safely put it away.

‘’Actually the worst is when it starts hiding from me.’’


	12. Seeking

Yuzuru felt the light of day gently wake him up before he even opened his eyes. He knew he’d have to open them sooner or later, but for now he didn’t want to move at all and kept his eyes closed in an attempt to prolong the night. The body beneath him was peacefully breathing in and out, lulling him to sleep again as if refusing to let him go. He let himself sink into slumber again, the warm scent of Javier’s skin filling him with an enticing feeling of comfort and drowsiness, until that little voice in his heart crept its way to his head and made him open his eyes at last. He looked at the bright blue sky that was staring him right in the face through the curtainless window and blinked several times as his eyes had a hard time adjusting to the blinding light. When his vision became clearer, he turned his head a little to the side and watched as Javier was still sleeping with his mouth half-open and one arm loosely slung around his waist. He left a faint kiss on his chest before slowly disengaging himself from his embrace, soon feeling the cold of the day hit his body. He shivered and sat up next to Javier while enveloping himself in one of the many covers that were lying over the rumpled sheets. Javier mumbled something in his sleep and turned to the side, making Yuzuru’s heart almost stop dead. He stirred a bit more after that before he finally clutched the pillow next to him and buried his face in it. What if he woke up now? Would he simply kiss him good morning and make him lie back down with him? Would they finally have breakfast together and resume where they had left off the last time they had tried this? Yuzuru looked all around him in this room that wasn’t his and half expected someone to walk in on them to tell him he had nothing to do here. That he’d only been weak once again. That he’d got sidetracked.

***

Javier had opened the door that night on a drenched figure he hadn’t expected to see and who was now dripping on his doormat.  
‘’I forget umbrella, ’’ had Yuzuru simply said in an almost apologetic tone while getting his wet bangs out of his eyes.

Javier had stared at him with his jaw dropped for a few seconds before he had taken him by the arm and rushed him inside.

‘’Gosh you’re going to get pneumonia. Come inside, quick.’’

He‘d closed the door behind them and helped Yuzuru out of his coat, all the while pushing him towards the bathroom and muttering exasperated exclamations in Spanish.

‘’We need to dry you off. I’ll get a towel.’’

He’d let Yuzuru alone in his bathroom for a few seconds, needing a moment on his own to come to his senses, and then quickly reappeared with what he needed. Yuzuru had already taken his sweatshirt off but was struggling to do the same with his trousers that were sticking to his legs. Javier paused and chuckled as he saw him jump on one foot while trying to get one leg out.

‘’Don’t kill yourself. Let me help you.’’

Yuzuru stood still while Javier bent down and helped him get rid of that second trouser leg. His skin was ice cold and Javier saw the goosebumps all over his body as he stood up.

‘’Come here.’’

He took the towel he had left on the sink and unfolded it. He wrapped it around Yuzuru’s shivering body and rubbed him energetically, attempting to warm him up as much as he could. He did the same with his hair before he finally saw his tiny face reappear from underneath the giant towel he was still rubbing him with. Yuzuru put his hands on Javier’s, making him stop, and looked at him straight in the eyes.

‘’Thank you,’’ he said almost shyly.

‘’I think those boxers will have to go too. They’re soaked,‘’ Javier answered after clearing his throat, suddenly all too aware of their proximity. He didn’t know how he’d ended up from almost falling asleep on his couch to drying off a very wet and half naked Yuzuru, but he definitely knew his heart was beating faster.

‘’You want to do it?’’

Javier shivered in turn, wondering how Yuzuru could still seem so sheepish and yet so straightforward in what he wanted from him all at once.

‘’Why did you come tonight?’’ Javier asked at last in a quiet voice.  
‘’I thought it was long time since…’’  
‘’Since last time?’’  
He hesitated for a moment before nodding and chewing on his lower lip. ‘’And then I get surprised by rain.’’  
Javier shook his head with a look of complete disbelief while gently caressing his cheek. He knew it wasn’t supposed to be like that. People usually didn’t magically appear on your doorstep on a stormy night like that after weeks of distance and silence. But for now he just couldn’t help himself.

‘’I hope you’re warm enough now. If something happens to you and you can’t get to the GPF, your mum and Brian will just kill me.’’  
‘’I know how to be warm.’’

He dropped the towel and slung his arms around Javier’s neck, pressing his still trembling body against him. Javier felt so warm and solid under his touch, he wanted nothing more than to nestle in his embrace and forget about everything else. Forget about the GPF and what he had actually come to tell him. He could think about all that again tomorrow.  
He left soft kisses on the crook of Javier’s neck and finally felt his arms wrap around his waist, his hands slowly sliding down his bare back and discarding him at last of his wet underwear.

‘’I thought you’d never come back,’’ Javier murmured against his skin, his mouth moving up from his thigh to his stomach and chest.  
‘’I change my mind,’’ Yuzuru answered huskily, his hands buried in Javier’s hair.

Javier stood up again and felt Yuzuru’s mouth already searching for his. Their lips met in a tender kiss that soon turned into more, as Yuzuru pressed even closer against Javier’s hard body. He felt Javier’s hot tongue softly roll around his and his broad hands cover him up, both warming him up and making him shiver all over again. There was no doubt as to what effect Javier had on him now and Yuzuru felt both aroused and suddenly exposed when Javier stopped kissing him to look down at him.

‘’You show me too,’’ he whispered with slightly redder cheeks.

It was the first time Javier laid eyes on Yuzuru’s stark naked body. The first time he saw another man’s desire so crudely and yet so modestly shown to him. He raised his arms and let Yuzuru take his clothes off for him, their breaths getting heavier and their pulses quickening as they finally faced each other without the darkness partially hiding them. Their erections grazed against each other and their hands gently ran on the exposed body in front of them, their touches and kisses as soft and delicate as feathers. Yuzuru let his fingers trace every line of Javier’s torso and stomach while Javier’s broad hands squeezed softly at the smooth, milky skin he couldn’t take his eyes off. The only things Yuzuru was wearing were his necklace and bracelets, which seemed to emphasize his nakedness even more.

‘’You’ll be even warmer in bed,’’ he breathed in Yuzuru’s ear.

They made their way to the bedroom and lay together on the cold sheets with their mouths still locked together. Javier let his eyes and hands wander all over the slim, exquisite body that was offering itself to him, dropping kisses on its most intimate places to the sound of both of their laboured breathing. While their tongues met again in a deep, sensuous kiss, Javier grabbed Yuzuru’s narrow waist and rolled his hips down on his, hearing him both moan in pleasure and yelp in pain as Javier’s fingers dug too hard on the bruises there. Javier immediately took his hands off, shushing him softly before putting his mouth over the bruises he hadn’t noticed and leaving soothing kisses on the blemished skin. Yuzuru looked down at him and gently tugged at Javier’s short hair, his dark half-lidded eyes searching for his. Javier looked up and didn’t break eye contact one second as he let his hand run up and down Yuzuru’s erection while his lips were already covering his again. The pace of their kiss and of their rocking back and forth was slow and voluptuous, the taste of each other sweet and addictive on their tongues. They moved like this for the longest time, until Javier suddenly found himself on his back and felt Yuzuru’s hot mouth leave a burning trail down his stomach to his inner thigh. His tongue eagerly licked up at the sensitive skin there, forcing sounds of pleasure out of Javier who was now aching to feel him around him again. His hand was hovering over the head buried between his thighs but not quite touching him, although it was becoming harder by the second not to do so. He didn’t have to wait long as Yuzuru slowly took him inside while Javier’s hand moved down to cup his cheek. He forced himself to not jerk his hips up too much while Yuzuru’s lips slid up and down his length with much more confidence than the last time. The feeling was overwhelming but he wanted to make it last. He didn’t want to surrender to it too soon again but ride that wave with him as long as he could. After a while Yuzuru lay back on Javier again, his mouth hungrily searching for his while one hand sneaked back to place Javier’s slick cock between his ass cheeks. He let him thrust up against the soft silky skin, giving him an idea of the welcoming heat hidden in there too and softly moaning in his ear as he felt Javier resume his stroking. The tiny body that fit so perfectly in Javier’s arms was now burning up against his. He gently ran his hand on Yuzuru’s forehead and hair which were dampened with exertion and left light soothing kisses on his closed eyelids before he flipped him over to finally taste of him in turn. The feeling was definitely new and his moves unsure, and yet Javier felt an unknown kind of pleasure at the sensation of Yuzuru’s member throbbing against his tongue. It was like a long-forgotten longing that was suddenly coming back to him in a violent rush of pleasure which he was finally letting loose. The same rush of pleasure they were now both abandoning themselves to, as they were going places they hadn’t dared going to until now. Maybe it was because they had waited so long before that first night, and the one after that, and the one now, but each time it felt like they could never be as close to the other as they were in that instant.  
The moment Javier felt Yuzuru’s fingers clutch tightly at his hair with a cry and his hips pushing up more forcefully into his mouth, he knew they both wouldn’t last much longer. So he pulled away from him at last, needing some air to come back to his lungs in order not to suffocate and desperately wanting to come with him. He went back up to press his mouth against his, letting Yuzuru breathe for him through their half-open lips while one hand sneaked down to rub both of their lengths together. His hand kept going up and down at a maddening pace as they both heaved and ground against each other until Yuzuru came at last with his eyes tightly shut and a deep moan echoing in Javier’s mouth. Javier felt him come undone beneath him while he kept grinding and rubbing against the soft, burning skin of his thighs, soon following him in his bliss.

 

But as Javier was now gently running his hand on Yuzuru’s forehead again and brushing his hair aside, he could feel how although his slender arms were still tightly wound around him, his eyes were somehow averting his. They laid in silence for a while, their limbs all tangled together and their heart rate slowly getting back to normal, until Yuzuru spoke at last. His face was now pressed against Javier’s chest and his voice muffled.

‘’I think I am enough warm now.’’

Javier chuckled and ligthly stroked his back.

‘’I think so too.’’

Yuzuru traced random patterns on Javier’s chest, his breath puffing against his skin while he seemed to be searching for the right words.

‘’Maybe it’s time that I go.’’

Javier’s hand stopped stroking him and Yuzuru felt the body underneath him tense.

‘’Why would you want to go? ‘’

‘’Mum doesn’t know that I’m here. She maybe search for me.’’

‘’Are you sure it’s the only reason?’’ Javier asked again while looking down at him, but the only thing he saw was the top of his head.

‘’If I go now, it’s like I was never here, ’’ he mumbled still without looking up.

‘’You didn’t want to be here?’’

‘’Yes. But I made promise to myself. And I break promise all the time.’’

Javier didn’t answer anything at first and Yuzuru almost thought he had fallen asleep after all, when he heard his faint voice again.

‘’Maybe it’s because you don’t want to keep that promise.’’

They didn’t say anything more after that, but although Yuzuru had said he wanted to go he hadn’t moved an inch. And when Javier switched off the light to engulf them in darkness, he still didn’t move from where he was. They laid together with their eyes open for a while, until neither of them could fight off the lethargy that was slowly winning them over. They didn’t remember falling asleep that night, and when Javier woke up the next morning, the only thing his arms were hugging was his pillow.


	13. Crossing

In the end, it was because he had met Cortney at the grocery store the day before that he had impulsively decided to go and see Javier that night. He had tossed and turned in his bed without being able to think about anything else for two days already, and the lack of sleep hadn’t really been helping in making him see things clearer. So he had stopped thinking and waited to hear the soft snoring of his mum through her bedroom door that had been left ajar. And once he was certain she couldn’t hear him, he’d left. 

What he hadn’t planned though was the rain. And how in the end they didn’t talk that much. It was their bodies that did most of the talking. As soon as Javier had wrapped him up in his arms and almost wordlessly taken care of him, he had realized how much he’d missed him. How much he needed to feel close to him. And he could read in his eyes and his movements the same kind of longing. They didn’t need to talk about it to know. And yet, they kept doing this. They kept avoiding the facts and running from what stood between the two of them. They kept running until they realized they’d ended up hiding in each other’s embrace once more. And that’s precisely where it all started again: the guilt, the insecurity. The fear of becoming dependent. The fear of becoming someone he wouldn’t recognize in the mirror. Someone who’d let himself get lost in a whirlwind of feelings he would end up drowning inside. He’d always been strong and level-headed. Always made the smart decision. Always endured the pain without saying anything out loud. He’d rather feed on the pain and overcome it rather than surrender to it. He knew he looked soft and fragile on the outside, but he’d always compensated with a rare resilience to anything that could hurt him. His feelings and emotions were running deep in his veins and his whole being, but they’d always been directed towards the one and only purpose in his life. His point of focus. The reason why he’d changed his life and dragged his mum to the other side of the planet. He always thought his sensitivity was what gave life and magic to his skating. And although it sometimes played tricks on him, he’d learnt to control it with time. He thought he knew himself well, that nothing could deter him from his goal. But he’d been wrong. And the person who made him realize this was the one person he both saw as his greatest weakness and his point of anchor. A paradox he didn’t seem to be able to reconcile at the moment. 

‘’Hey Yuzuru!’’

He’d turned around, thinking at first that it was a fan trying to catch his attention. He’d been used to it now. How some people would sometimes recognize him while going grocery shopping with his mum. Although it was fairly rare. After all, he did enjoy more anonymity in this part of the world compared to his home country. 

‘’I thought it was you,’’ Cortney continued while smiling and bowing in front of his mum. ‘’Konnichiwa… No wait, that’s for the afternoon right? Ohayo!’’

Yuzuru’s mum had bowed in turn with a gentle smile on her lips.

‘’Javi told me the difference between both but I always forget,’’ she added almost out of breath.

He had been stunned to silence for a few seconds before gaining his composure again and introducing Cortney to his mum.

‘’This is Javier’s girlfriend,’’ he said in Japanese.

‘’I know, he introduced her to me last year,’’ she answered before turning to Cortney and greeting her with the few English words she knew. They talked a bit together until Yuzuru’s mum turned to her son again.

‘’Why don’t I leave you both for a while so you have time to talk? I’ll finish with what we need and come back in a few minutes.’’

He hadn’t had the time to tell her that she could stay because surely they didn’t have that much to talk about anyway. But she’d already turned the aisle in search of those sesame seeds he’d complained they had almost run of earlier on. He helplessly watched her disappear among the crowd of strangers before turning towards Cortney again with the sensation of having lost the shield he’d intended to hide behind. Now she could see right through him.

‘’So how have you been lately? I haven’t seen you much at Javier’s?’’ she started off while nervously scratching the back of her hand. 

‘’I did training hard. No time to play now,’’ he said with an unsteady laugh.

‘’You’re right. That’s what we have all been doing. Haven’t we? Even Javier has trained harder than usual. But he seems completely out of it. Don’t you think?’’

Her tone of voice had something unsettling. It was strained, as if she did a great effort to keep it under control.

‘’He has problems with boots. It’s a worry to him.’’

She made a face, like she wasn’t entirely convinced by this explanation. 

‘’I know. He told me. But he’s changed, I don’t know. And this was before this whole problem with boots started.’’

Yuzuru shook his head. He didn’t know what to tell her. The truth is, he had deliberately retreated in his own world as soon as the season had started. Javier had told him he needed time to sort things out, and Yuzuru had left him on his own device while he himself had focused on one thing only : his next competitions and how to improve. This he knew how to do, so he had shut himself to everything else. But now he was starting to fully realize how Javier hadn’t sorted his feelings at all. And how he was far from having done it either. 

He suddenly recalled what David had told him in Finland just after he’d finished his free programme. How it was great that he could do his salchow right this time but that his programme was still lacking in emotions. That he didn’t let them out. He hadn’t really paid attention to that remark at the time, but now the implications behind it were beginning to dawn on him. He’d done with Javier what he’d done with his skating: focus on that itch he needed to scratch, without acknowledging all the feelings that were brewing under the surface. Because he felt incapable of dealing with them right now. 

‘’Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with all this. I just wanted to know if you’d noticed any change in Javier’s attitude. After all you spend even more time with him than I do. And I know you were there when I was in Poland. I saw you left your bracelet at his place.’’

Cortney’s voice jolted him back to the present conversation. She’d seen how his thoughts had seemed to suddenly drift away and was trying to catch his attention again. 

‘’Yes. I stay one night. My mum couldn’t pick me up and Javier had car.’’ He swallowed hard and shifted on one foot to the next. Now he was plainly lying to her.

‘’As long as it was you,’’ she murmured almost to herself before laughing half-heartedly, ‘’I’m sorry to put you in such an uncomfortable situation. I just don’t want Javier to feel cornered if I ask him too many questions.’’

Yuzuru nodded wordlessly. He clearly saw the fear of losing him in her eyes. Did he have the right to be the one to steal him from her? It was in great part why he had kept his distance from Javier. Because he wanted him to come clean to his girlfriend before they would even think about going further than where they had already gone.

‘’Anyway, I’m leaving to a training camp for the whole week tomorrow. Maybe a few days apart will both do us good.’’ 

He nodded again, the words still failing him. He wanted to say something reassuring to her but all he could think about involved lying some more, so he prefered to keep silence. They looked at each other for a brief moment until his mum finally reappeared just behind Cortney. 

‘’Right, I think we’ll go now, I almost found everything. But there’s always something missing in that shop, no matter how big it is,’’ she laughed and the lightness of it brutally contrasted with that heavy cloud of worries that was looming over both Yuzuru and Cortney. 

‘’Oh you’ve finished. I was leaving anyway,’’ Cortney quickly said as she turned towards his mum. ‘’Goodbye Yuzu,’’ she added with a wave of her hand, ‘’good luck with your competitions and… ‘’ She was just about to leave when she seemed to think twice about it and came back towards him. ‘’Please don’t mention this to Javier. I don’t want him to think I’m spying on him or something.’’

Yuzuru didn’t even have the time to answer her this time that she had already scrambled away. His mum watched her leave before turning towards her son and giving him a questioning look.

‘’Is she alright?’’ she asked, seeming concerned. ‘’She looked sad somehow,’’ she added, thoughtful. ‘’And so do you.’’ 

Her brows furrowed as she lightly caressed his cheek.

‘’It’s nothing. She worries a bit for Javier’s skating,’’ he said while getting away from his mother’s touch.

She stopped dead in her movement, looking more surprised than hurt. It wasn’t the first time this happened, but for now she wouldn’t push the topic. 

‘’You found the seeds? ‘’ Yuzuru added in hope she would forget about all this.

‘’Yes. But I didn’t find a good chicken for the broth. You’ll have to do without.’’

‘’I’ll be fine, don’t worry.’’


	14. Shedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! Here's a chapter to start the year good ;) 
> 
> I'll be busy as hell the next few months and my updates may take longer. But I'm still intent on finishing this story so don't worry too much!

He already had his hand on the door handle, ready as he was to sneak away without making any noise. His clothes were still damp from the night before and he felt them stick to his body, but the bright sun that seemed to be shining outside now would dry them off. He was just about to cross that threshold again and disappear from Javier’s flat, when a large hand pushed the door shut for him from behind. He started, his heart ready to give out, but didn’t turn around right away.

‘’You know, at some point you should stop that habit of bailing out on me like that.’’

Yuzuru’s eyes were fixed on his own hand that was still clutching the door handle. He stayed frozen like this for a few more seconds before he felt Javier’s hands on his shoulders, making him turn around at last. His touch was gentle and by no means angry, which prompted him to fully look him in the eye.

‘’I know. It’s bad habit,’’ he finally said with a faint apologetic smile. ‘’It’s hard to stop.’’

Javier wasn’t too sure whether he was referring to his failed attempt to sneak out on him again or to what they had done the night before.

‘’Why do you do that?’’ he asked, letting the back of his hand lightly run over Yuzuru’s silky cheek. 

Yuzuru closed his eyes and shook his head, his lips tightly pressed together. He felt tears already welling up at the corner of his eyes without even knowing why. But he wouldn’t cry. This situation was surreal enough without him making things worse. He wanted to answer something sound and logical but all he had to go for was his gut feeling. His gut feeling was telling him to leave, because the longer he stayed, the harder it was to do so. 

‘’I don’t know I … I’m not good with… this, ’’ he finally whispered while making a helpless gesture that pointed at both of them. The truth was he had never done any of the things he was doing with Javier with anyone else. He had never been romantically involved with anyone before, especially someone who was a man and who was already involved with someone else. He didn’t know what to do once he’d given in to that fire he felt burning in him every time he ended up too close to Javier. It was like he’d shown him too much of himself and now he needed to take a step back again in order to regain some control over his emotions. 

‘’I’m not really good with this either it seems,’’ Javier answered with a faint laugh that echoed Yuzuru’s faint smile from before. ‘’But it would be nice to see your face in the morning when I wake up. Just to be sure I didn’t dream all this.’’

He kept caressing his face as he was talking, unable as he was to let him disappear from his sight and his touch yet. Yuzuru slightly nodded, his lips still tightly pressed together while he let the soothing motions calm him down. 

Javier knew in that instant why he felt so irremediably drawn to him. Because he kept slipping away from his fingers. Because he still hadn’t figured him out. It was exactly like his skating: what was it that made you helplessly fall in love with his every move, his every breath? What kind of spell was that? And would you ever wake up from it? Not that Javier wanted to anyway…

‘’Can I kiss you?’’ he asked, ‘’before you go.’’

The request sounded strangely familiar to his ear, as it did to Yuzuru’s.

‘’You know you can.’’

Javier bent down to touch his lips with his but Yuzuru was already the one kissing him. The tears he’d been holding until now suddenly rushed free as he did so and he both cried and laughed into the kiss, his arms tightly wound around Javier’s neck. He backed away at last, wiping his tears with the back of his hands and still laughing while Javier was already taking him back in his arms.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m stupid,’’ Yuzuru muttered against his shoulder. He still had tears rolling down his cheeks that he didn’t seem to be able to stop. Javier tenderly stroke his back and softly shushed him, until he felt Yuzuru’s tremblings finally subside.

‘’I hate to be the one to make you cry,’’ he said at last while gently letting his thumb run under both of his swollen eyes.

‘’I always cry anyway,’’ Yuzuru answered with another nervous laugh. ‘’I think I needed this.’’

‘’Someone told me once that it was good to cry,’’ Javier added with a knowing smile.

Yuzuru took a deep breath and smiled back at him. 

‘’Now I really need to go,’’ he said after a while. ‘’Mum must know that I’m not here now.’’

Javier nodded and loosened his embrace to give him some space.

‘’What are you going to tell her?’’ he asked nervously. 

‘’I don’t know. But I hate to hide things to her.’’

Javier nodded again. He knew how close Yuzuru was to his mum. There was no way he would hide this from her for too long. And yet, he was suddenly afraid that once he’d tell her she would try to convince him to put an end to all this. Because she’d want to protect her son. 

‘’You know I almost told my dad this summer. I wanted to know if… you know… he’d ever felt drawn to another man before. But I just couldn’t. I felt paralyzed.’’

That was the day they’d gone deep-sea diving together. It had always been their bonding activity. The moment of the year during which they would tell each other their little secrets. How sometimes Javier’s mum was too much to handle for his dad and how he’d wanted more than once to pack up and leave for good. But how in the end he would always come back because he loved her. How he’d once been with a woman twice his age when he was only 13. And how Javier had pretty much had the same experience, except that he was 15 at the time and that this woman had been his first. He’d almost confessed to him that he’d also been with a man at some point, not to say very recently, but he felt his dad wouldn’t look at him the same way after that. He would be changed forever in his eyes. And this had made him shut his mouth at last. 

‘’Everything going smoothly with your girlfriend?’’ he’d asked with a smile while they were putting on their diving suit.

‘’Everything’s fine,’’ he had answered. Why shouldn’t it be?

In the end, the only person he’d been comfortable enough telling about it had been Brian. And still, it had taken him quite a long time to do so.

‘’I didn’t tell him,’’ he told Yuzuru. ‘’But Brian knows.’’

Yuzuru didn’t look surprised.

‘’I think Nam knows too,’’ he answered.

‘’Why? How?’’

‘’I don’t know, it’s just feeling. Maybe we’re not discreet after all.’’

They looked at each other and laughed again. But their laugh had a much lighter ring this time.

‘’I guess you’re right.’’


	15. Coming back

This time around he didn’t even have the time to put his key into the lock that his mum had already opened the door for him. She didn’t yell, she didn’t press him with questions, but she was paler than usual, and to Yuzuru this little detail told a story of its own. And just like him, she noticed details about her son. Like how his clothes weren’t his, how they were too large for him and how his smell was different. Actually Javier hadn’t let him leave his place with his wet clothes on this morning, but had insisted he took some of his, because he still couldn’t risk him to catch a cold so close to the GPF. He’d helped him get dressed again, enjoyed the sight of his naked skin in the light of day and left a soft kiss on his lips before finally consenting to let him go. Because he wanted something on him to remember him by in turn, just in case he wouldn’t come back.

‘’So are you finally going to tell me what’s going on between you and Javier?’’ she asked at last, once they’d made their way to the kitchen where a breakfast was still awaiting him.

‘’So you know?’’

‘’Well I only know what you let me know.‘’

‘’And… ?’’

‘’And I want my mind to be eased,’’ she said with a sigh. ‘’Is there some secret between the two of you? And how much does it have to do with the fact that you left the flat in the middle of the night?’’

***

That night he came back to Javier’s again after finding yet another note in his old boots. The note was all crumpled and the writing on it quite gone, so he wasn’t too sure when Javier had left it in there. But he knew it wasn’t too late to answer it and that Javier would be alone tonight. Actually he already knew Javier would be alone for most of the week at night expect on Friday when he’d go drinking at the pub with some skaters from the club as he usually did. But until then he could have him all for himself. And no matter how much his mother had warned him against this kind of relationship and all the problems and heartaches it might entail, he just couldn’t find it in himself to fight his feelings anymore. He didn’t know what would happen once this week would be over and he’d be gone to Japan again, but for now he’d just knock on Javier’s door and do exactly what they’d been used to doing since they’d been friends. This and admittedly a bit more. Because they still acted in a strange, guarded way when they were around other people now, and he just needed them to be themselves again.

‘’Hi,’’ he said while still blushing slightly in spite of himself as soon as Javier had opened the door. ‘’I come to give you back your clothes.’’

Javier quietly laughed at the fact that somehow, they still needed an excuse to see each other outside of training now. Because saying things out loud still felt like the strangest of things. He closed the door behind him and turned around to take his face between his hands to kiss him. He left a soft, chaste kiss on his lips, like the one he’d given him this morning before he’d left and smiled at him while making his fingertips gently run over his cheek.

‘’Are you sure you didn’t come back for this instead?’’ he whispered.

‘’Maybe you’re right. Let me try again,’’ Yuzuru said while giving him a kiss in turn. They both smiled and made their lips touch again and again after that while laughing in between their kisses. They were all soft and innocent-like. As if they were two kids playing the oldest of games and showing their affection this way. It didn’t have to get serious right away because they knew they had time. And for now their hearts were simply bursting with the joy of being able to make their lips touch and let their guard down. Just for now.

It was like going back to the very beginning. What did it feel like the first time they’d kissed someone? The first time they’d kissed each other? Javier felt like he was learning how to be with someone all over again, and that Yuzuru was learning with him. Kissing his lips wasn’t that different from kissing a girl’s lips. And yet there was something about his taste and his smell that was different. It was more pungent and enticing, although his lips still remained sweet. It was like the taste of his sweat whenever Javier licked up his skin: tangy and intoxicating, while the rest of his body reminded him of the strong taste of honey. And he felt all those smells and flavours already overcome his senses, although he was simply making his lips touch with his.

They stopped what they were doing before their game would get out of hand too soon and smiled as if they were looking at each other for the first time.

‘’That’s a nice way to say hello,’’ Javier said at last while putting a few strands of Yuzuru’s hair behind his ear.

‘’We already see each other today,’’ Yuzuru pointed out in a teasing way.

‘’Yes but it was just for a short time. And then you don’t pay attention to me once you’re training.’’

‘’I’ve got big competition coming. I need to be focused. And you too. But then I see message in boots.’’

‘’So you did think about me after all?’’ Javier said with a smug smile.

He laughed as Yuzuru made a face and tried to escape Javier’s questions by raising his eyebrows and rolling his eyes. He was still new to flirting and could feel himself getting all embarrassed, although he knew there was no cause for it. And yet, this simple exchange felt somehow more intimate than anything else they’d done before.

‘’I wasn’t too sure you would be coming tonight,’’ Javier told him in a more serious tone while taking his hand in his. ‘’Will it be… for the whole week?’’

Yuzuru silently nodded whilst neither of them asked the other about what all this truly meant. Did Yuzuru tell his mum? Were they officially starting a secret affair? Or would all this come to an end as soon as they’d go back to their respective countries? Yuzuru had this disconcerting habit of coming back to him just before they knew they’d have to be apart again, as if by doing so he would give them a chance to run away from all this and do as if nothing had happened. As if each time they could go back to what they’d always known and forget about that momentary lapse of reason.

‘’So let’s make the most of it,’’ he whispered with a smile while putting his lips on his again.

This time their kiss felt less like a game and more like the silent answers to all those questions that kept hanging between the two of them. Their attraction and affection for each other was the only thing they were both sure about at this stage, and each time they surrendered to it, they knew they didn’t have to think but simply feel. And this would be enough for now.


	16. Leaving

Yuzuru had just boarded the plane that would lead him back to his country as well as back to the battlefield. The two places where he felt most at ease and that he knew better than he knew himself. The two places he knew he belonged to. And yet, as his eyes were following through the window the trajectory of the plane that had now begun to soar and head for the sky, he couldn’t help but feel as if he were leaving a part of himself here in Canada. And for the very first time in months, although he knew the destination he was going to, he felt as if he had no idea where he was actually heading. He faintly heard Brian’s voice from behind who was talking to one of the hostesses, but what he was saying was just a stream of sounds that didn’t make any sense whatsoever. His mum told him something in turn but he didn’t hear her either. He simply felt the touch of her hand in his hair as he finally closed his eyes, the soft music coming from his earphones shielding him from the world at last. He always liked it this way. Disappearing in his music and simply forget about the rest. Live a thousand battles in his head before actually meeting the enemy. And ultimately realizing his enemy was himself. Emptying his mind of any thoughts or feelings before being overwhelmed by them and dissecting them one by one. Playing at being the master of his own fate and rejoicing at last at seeing that he wasn’t. He loved doing all this but for now he had little control over what was going on his head. Because all he could think about were fragments of moments, sounds and smells that all had to do with Javier. The way his hands ran over his body, the feeling of his hot, tingling breath on his neck, the taste of his skin, strong and salty. Javier’s fingers desperately gripping at his hair as he went down on him, his moans in his ear and the feeling of his body gradually losing control as he thrust against him. That hot stickiness spreading on their sweaty skins and the pounding of their hearts in their ears. And all those kisses. Sultry and suave at first, hot and messy while they got high on the feeling of one another, sweet and lighter once their heart rates had finally calmed down. They would lie together in a tangle of limbs then, their minds still fuzzy from the rush of pleasure they’d just had and their lips leaving soothing kisses on the other’s lips and skin. But the kisses he liked best were those Javier would leave on his closed eyelids once he was already drifting away into sleep. It almost felt as if those kisses were part of a dream that kept repeating itself but threatened to fade away when morning came… 

His mind was full of that week he’d just spent in Javier’s bed and he realized how he felt as if he still hadn’t had enough of him. As if he’d mainly been allowed to finally give to his body and heart what he’d been deprived of for so long without having the time to fully enjoy it. They had tried to take it slow but the few hours they had together away from their public lives were spent in the bedroom where they’d explore more of that desire they seemed unable to quench and which was still very new for both of them. New and completely destabilizing. 

‘’Am I the first?’’ had asked Javier in a whisper against his ear one night. His body was pressed against his, spooning him from behind and his arms tightly clasped around his own.

‘’Yes,’’ had simply answered Yuzuru.

He’d felt Javier inhale his scent in his neck and then leave a faint kiss on his shoulder. 

‘’The first man?’’ he’d asked after a moment of silence.

‘’No. Just the first.’’

Javier hadn’t answered anything right away and Yuzuru had wondered if this wasn’t the reply he had expected from him. Or maybe not the one he had hoped for. He turned around at last to face him.

‘’Is it problem?’’

Javier chuckled lightly and softly caressed his cheek.

‘’No. Not at all. I just wondered… if you’d tried with girls first.’’

‘’I don’t see why if I don’t want,’’ he’d genuinely answered.

‘’So you don’t like girls?’’

‘’I don’t know. Girls is nice. I like girls. But not like I like you,’’ he had finally said while trying to sort out what he really felt when a girl smiled at him or lightly touched his arm. The truth was he’d always felt that he found them beautiful. But simply another kind of beautiful than men. But in any case he hadn’t felt as attracted to them as he felt now to Javier. Not that he’d felt any more attracted to another man either. 

‘’You prefer girls?’’ he’d timidly asked Javier in turn. 

Javier had sighed. That questions seemed to have been on his mind too.

‘’Girls is what I know. It’s safe… But I also know I like you.’’

‘’Maybe it’s because I look like girl,’’ he’d said with a cheeky smile on his lips.

‘’Oh yes. You fit in my arms like a girl would but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a girl as equipped as you are down there. And not as strong either,’’ Javier had laughed while teasingly taking him by the neck. 

They had laughed a bit more while Yuzuru had laid his head on Javier’s chest and let him put his arms around his waist. He’d listened to the sound of his heart beating steadily and wondered whether he’d have the courage at some point to ask him about Cortney. How different it was with her. How much he thought about her once they were done. Or even while they were together. If he sometimes thought about him while he was with her and he touched her like he touched him. If Javier would have the courage in turn to admit to himself that he had to choose who he really was at some point. And that maybe the most obvious of choices wasn’t necessarily the one others had chosen for him. 

‘’You think you’re ready for the GPF?’’ Javier had asked after a while, breaking the silence and changing the subject to a safer one.

‘’I hope. I train hard. Brian says it’s enough.’’

‘’I think it’s enough too. But what do I know, I’m more of the lazy kind,’’ he said with a laugh that vibrated in Yuzuru’s ear.

‘’You make me lazy too. I’m at rink at this time usually,’’ Yuzuru gently scolded him.

‘’Against Brian’s advice. And you should thank me. You’re much more relaxed since you’ve got those evening sessions with me,’’ he said with a yawn, exhaustion taking its toll at last. 

‘’Yes. I think less about Patrick. He was obsession. It’s not good for me,’’ Javier heard him mumble against his skin.

‘’Well I’m glad you think more about me than Patrick.’’

‘’Why? You think I think about him naked?’’ Yuzuru said in a very suggestive tone while propping his chin on his chest and raising his eyes to him.

‘’Oh my God I hope not,’’ Javier burst out laughing while giving him a light tap on the head.

He’d switched off the light at last while still laughing, sending them back to the darkness of the night after a last kiss and a chuckle. 

 

Yuzuru thought about that night, and then about the last one they’d had, just a few hours ago. How different it had been. There’d been fewer words exchanged and a feeling of apprehension they both had been unable to express but which they could both feel in the other’s embrace. Yuzuru had wanted to leave his mark on Javier’s body as if he feared his presence here would fade away once he’d be gone. His mouth had sucked hard on his neck, biting and licking at the bruised skin over and over without being able to stop himself, until Javier had finally pulled him away from him. ‘’Don’t,’’ he’d heard him say in a faint voice but the bite was already there for everyone to see, and they both knew it. 

That morning he’d left without making a noise again, simply leaving a kiss on Javier’s eyelids before quickly gathering his things and heading for the front door without looking back. But it would be okay because they both knew he had a plane to catch this time.


	17. Stealing (away)

They had finally seen each other again in January, after what seemed to Yuzuru like a lifetime. So much had happened in between the moment he had kissed Javier goodbye and this one that it almost felt like he was an entire person altogether. As soon as he had set foot on Japanese soil again he had felt how much was expected of him, and how he needed to rise to the challenges presenting themselves to him alone. Many people were around him but still he was alone. And during that time Javier’s presence existed in another world entirely. He’d created a bubble around him to help him focus on himself and forced Javier out of this bubble. But the simple fact of seeing him stand again in front of him in that locker room with that smile that always made him feel tingles inside was enough to make that bubble burst with a loud pop.

He smiled back at him and saw his lips mouth the word ‘hi’, but he just couldn’t hear him right now, because the other guys who were changing as well had already started clapping their hands and congratulating him for his win at the GPF and at Nationals. It was like a rain of hands shaking his or patting his back, excited voices expressing their admiration to him and phones taking pictures he knew would immediately land on Instagram. Nam was the first one to do so and was already asking Yuzu how he should caption the picture. But Yuzuru was in a daze. His eyes were still searching for Javier’s when he spotted him on the bench, a knowing smile playing on his lips as he watched the crazy scene unfold before his eyes.

‘’Let the poor guy some space to breathe,’’ he finally said with a laugh when Yuzuru finally sat down next to him with a sigh of relief after bowing to the others and thanking them again and again. His cheeks were flushed and his ears still buzzing from the enthusiastic welcome he’d just received.

‘’How does it feel to be a star then?’’ he asked him with another laugh while discreetely squeezing his hand. He hadn’t taken him in his arms to give him a warm hug like he usually did. Too many people were around them for now and he felt their presence more acutely than ever. Yuzuru rolled his eyes and smiled in an embarassed way.

‘’I’m not star yet.’’

‘’Well you’ve just defeated Patrick, do that next time and you’ll be more than a star,’’ he said to him with a wink.

Yuzuru simply smiled again and let his little finger brush against Javier’s on the bench. He felt Javier do the same to him but one second later they were both pulling their hands away as another skater approached them to ask for yet another picture. Yuzuru graciously agreed to do so and then was pulled even further away by Nam this time and then someone else, until they eventually all had to go on ice for their training session.

Javier knew Yuzuru wouldn’t catch a break that day. That they both wouldn’t catch a break. They would sometimes look at each other during practice when they had to catch their breath or get back to the board for a sip of water and could clearly see in the other’s stare their own longing and frustration being reflected. But it would only last an instant, and not a second later Yuzuru was landing beautiful quad sals he wished people would see more often in competition. Frustration always did that to Yuzuru: it fired him up inside. And Javier wanted to match that, so he trained harder than he had done until now, because he knew Yuzuru would always have an eye on what he was doing too.

In the end he could only catch him alone as Yuzuru was coming out of the bathroom. His mother was waiting for him in the hall and he just needed to pick up his bag in the locker room before joining her and leaving the club. But Javier didn’t just let him do that. He hurriedly pushed Yuzuru back inside the room and closed the door behind them before freezing on the spot and looking around, fearing that someone might be in the room with them after all.

‘’There’s no one,’’ Yuzuru laughed as he took Javier’ hands in his.

‘’Good,’’ Javier answered quietly before freeing his hands and cupping Yuzuru’s small face with them, giving him a soft kiss on the lips. ‘’Congratulations,’’ he whispered while letting his forefinger slowly glide on Yuzuru’s cheek as he always did.

Yuzuru closed his eyes and felt a shiver run down his spine at the simple touch.

‘’I really needed to do that before you disappeared again,’’ Javier said with a small laugh of relief.

‘’And I need to do that,’’ Yuzuru replied while putting one hand on the back of Javier’s neck and pressing his lips back on his. Their kiss lasted longer this time, both of their mouths opening and their bodies pressing hard against each other as they got lost in the feeling of being so close to the other again. Yuzuru eventually detached his lips from Javier’s and let a string of soft kisses on his neck instead, delicately brushing his lips on the tender skin there.

‘’How did you do to make it go?’’ he suddenly asked in a murmur while letting his fingers lightly glide on the spot he’d just kissed.

‘’It didn’t show that much in the morning,’’ Javier softly chuckled before searching for his lips again and giving him another peck. ‘’Gosh I think you should go now, your mum is waiting outside,’’ he reluctantly added while smoothing Yuzuru’s hair back into position.

‘’I know,’’ Yuzuru replied against his mouth, giving him another kiss in turn before opening the door at last. He mouthed a last goodbye to him but came back almost right away for yet another last kiss.

‘’Just this one,’’ he kept repeating as their lips met again and again and their hands had started wandering over their bodies again.

Javier laughed against his lips before somehow sobbering up and taking his face in his hands again. ‘’You’ll check your boots from time to time?’’ he finally asked in a whisper.

Yuzuru nodded without a word, kissing him as if to seal his answer this time, before finally leaving for good.

Javier heard the door close shut behind him with a twinge and went to one of the bathroom’s mirror to look at his own hair. He licked his lips, the taste of Yuzuru still there on his tongue and looked at that patch of skin on his neck that had been so badly bruised a few weeks ago. The truth was, he had had to resort to a lot of different remedies in order to get rid of it before his girlfriend or anyone else would see it. Because he simply couldn’t let a clear visible mark of what happened between the two of them show this way. This was too intimate. Too telling. And certainly not the right way of letting his girlfriend know. Not that he was sure he wanted her to know, because on that point, he was still unable to understand what he really wanted. He still had the impression that that person he was when he was with Yuzuru was completely different from the one he was when he was with her. And no matter how right and good it felt when he was with him, a part of him was still scared to death at the idea of saying goodbye to his old self. What scared him even more was the intensity of what he felt when he was with Yuzuru. And that love bite he had left on him was a reminder of that. Because that night the way they’d had sex had been different. It had been rougher and even more urgent than the night before, as if both of them wanted to make sure they would possess the other completely before they had to let go of each other. But as a result it had ended too quickly, leaving them spent from a feeling of pleasure that had been so violent it almost hurt.

What was left of the bite when Cortney came back from her training camp was just a light, smaller bruise he hid under a plaster, telling her he had cut himself while shaving.

‘’You’re not that agile with this kind of blade,’’ she had simply said with a small smile.

But her smile hid something else too. Another kind of bruise. And all he could feel was how downcast she was these days. He had tried to find out what it was that made her feel so blue by asking her many questions but she had brushed all of them and simply said. ‘’Let’s get away for my birthday. Just a weekend. What do you say?’’


	18. (Stealing) away

... ‘’Let’s get away for my birthday. Just a weekend. What do you say?‘’

And what could he have said to that?

They had spent the weekend in a chalet, one hour away from Toronto, very near the ski tracks so they could do something else than skating for once. It wasn’t much, but Cortney had told him she really needed to get out somewhere and do something else for a couple of days, because as long as she would remain stuck in her daily routine she would explode. 

That weekend had actually been one of the strangest of all for Javier. Cortney had felt the need to open up to him and had confessed her many fears out loud. The fears she would never really make it as an ice dancer after all and how worthless she felt lately. Especially compared to him. There was also the fact of always having to compete for her partner’s country, not hers, and that this somehow made her feel as if she didn’t have a real identity. As if she didn’t exist.

‘’Sometimes I hate skating, although I love it,’’ she had added. And Javier could actually feel the slight tremor in her voice. She sounded tired and spent. Not like the lively, bubbly girl he knew she was. 

Those last words had left a strong impression on him. Because they’d both been struggling these past few weeks, but each in their own corner. And he had been so caught up in his own world that he hadn’t realized how much she had gone through herself. He’d somehow pictured her as happy and fulfilled in her new partnership, like she had been a few months before. But time hadn’t stood still for neither of them and things had changed. 

‘’I think skating is our most enduring relationship,’’ he’d finally murmured in turn. ‘’And no matter how hard it is sometimes, there is no way we will let go of that one.’’

He’d cradled her in his arms and gave her the support he knew she was craving from him right now. But he also knew both of them were still keeping other fears and secrets from each other. But for now they simply needed each other to be close by, so they could face those secret fears in silence. There were many things Javier wasn’t sure about, but if there was one thing he knew, it was that he’d always been good at comforting her. At comforting people. And that was one of the things that had always kept him close to the women he had been with after all. The need they had of being loved and reassured. The way they’d let go in his arms and simply accept to be defenseless and fragile. The way Yuzuru sometimes did with him, before he finally came to his senses and ran far away from him. Because somehow, he felt as if he still refused to completely surrender to him. One minute he’d give himself wholeheartedly to him and the next he’d disappear again. Like that last morning, when after a week of opening his eyes to his presence he had woken up alone again. And there was this dull fear in his stomach that somehow he wouldn’t come back to him, although he’d left him that mark on his neck that seemed to say otherwise. He feared this was just a parting gift, because Yuzuru didn’t want to be shackled and depend on anyone. A gift he’d himself spent hours to try and make disappear. And while he was slowly rocking Cortney back and forth in his arms, he felt a giant sweep of guilt wash over him, making him hold her even closer against him. But he knew he was hugging her for all the wrong reasons. 

The next morning he’d woken up next to her sleeping body once again with an odd feeling of being brought back to that first morning he’d found her in his bed. Her body felt so familiar and yet so very strange next to him, he wasn’t too sure of what he was feeling anymore. Maybe a bit of nostalgia for who he used to be on that first morning, but in that moment, as the light of day was slowly lighting up the room from the gap that was left between the two heavy curtains, he knew something was amiss in that picture in front of him. It may have looked like a decent picture back then, when he’d woken from a night spent with her he didn’t even remember, but deep down he already knew it didn’t feel right. Or at least not as right as when he woke up with the musky scent of Yuzuru filling up his nostrils. And yet, the very idea of not even being able to remember what he and Cortney had done on that very first night had always made him feel like he owed her somehow, so he had been willing to give that pretty picture a chance. 

He watched her sleep for a while, watched how her eyes seemed to constantly flutter beneath her eyelids, as if she were living through a chaotic dream she didn’t seem to be able to stop. He stroked her hair, attempting to calm her down, but the only effect it had was to wake her up at last. She slowly opened her eyes and smiled drowsily at him. 

‘’Morning,’’ she said with a yawn.

‘’Morning,’’ he murmured back and stroked her hair again. His hand kept moving absent-mindedly when he suddenly stopped and asked her on a thoughtful tone.

‘’What do you remember exactly of our first night?’’

She stretched her arms and yawned again. This wasn’t the first time he asked her about it. 

‘’That it was messy,’’ she finally said with a laugh. 

‘’That’s what I remember too, but do you remember more?’’ he said, faintly chuckling with her.

‘’Who cares? The second night was better.’’

‘’Doesn’t it bother you though? That I was drunk?’’ he asked on a more serious tone. 

‘’Well, I couldn’t possibly let you drive. And then we kinda fell in bed together when I tried to lead you to your room.’’

‘’That part I think I remember. But then it kinda gets very blurry in my head.’’

‘’Do you want me to refresh your memory?’’ she immediately purred and moved over to him. 

They hadn’t had sex in a long time, not even the night before when she’d felt so blue, she had simply fallen asleep in his arm. But responding to her kiss and her caresses was something he was so used to that his body almost moved on its own accord. And yet, no matter how long they’d stayed without touching each other, he didn’t feel any of the urgency and bliss he felt when he was with Yuzuru. It was nice and sweet, and he knew he still liked her and could still be with women in a sense. He even felt reassured on this point. But now that he knew what it was like to be with someone you were truly aching for, nothing could compare. Because he simply knew he wanted Yuzuru, there was no questioning that, while being with her was more of a habit he wasn’t sure how to put an end to. 

They stayed a little while more in bed after that, until Javier had finally found it in him to get up and take a shower, so they could finally ski down those slopes they had come for. 

A few minutes later he was already back in the bedroom to tell her that the bathroom was all hers when he caught her up with his phone. 

‘’What you doing?’’ he asked, dropping the towel he was still using to dry off his hair.

‘’It rang while you were in there,’’ she said, her head shooting up. She obviously hadn’t heard him come. ‘’What is Yuzuru thanking you for?’’ she added in turn while turning the phone in his direction and showing him the text message he’d received a few minutes ago. 

‘’Nothing. Probably his birthday gift,’’ he answered in a tone he hoped sounded casual. 

‘’What was it?’’ she asked, curiosity laced in her voice. 

‘’A videogame.’’

She rolled her eyes and put his phone back on the nightstand.

‘’Of course.’’


	19. Giving in

Javier slowly turned on his back in his bed and opened his eyes at last. His head was pounding with a dull headache and a strange aftertaste of beer was lingering in his mouth. He knew he shouldn’t have drunk that much but the guys just wouldn’t let him be. And somehow he also knew he hadn’t put up a real fight with them because being intoxicated sometimes felt good. You didn’t have to answer for your own actions anymore and could just blame it all on the alcohol. Although he knew what he had done next had nothing to do with the fact that he had drunk. His interaction with Yuzuru was still engraved in his body and mind and he extended his arm to cuddle to him once more while intending to get back to sleep, but all he reached for was an empty space. His heart started to hammer in his chest before he forced himself to calm down. Yuzuru must be in the toilet right now or in the kitchen to drink a glass of water. Because there was simply no way he’d left him there all by himself after what he had told him in the dark.

***

Yuzuru had received the package right after he arrived to Japan, a few days before his birthday. His sister had given it to him while telling him it came from Javier from what she could have read on the sticker on the box. She had casually dropped it in his hands while his own heart had skipped a beat. He didn’t let it show though, as his sister didn’t know anything about what was going on between him and Javier. He had wanted to tell her as soon as he had seen her the first time it had happened back in summer, but somehow the words had been stuck in his throat and he had decided against it. He’d felt that if he uttered any of this out loud, the whole thing would get too real. And now that he had told his mother, it was as if too many people knew already and his heart was lying out there in broad daylight, ready to be stomped when whatever he had with Javier would get to an end. And yet he couldn’t help but have a huge smile on his face as his hands clumsily opened up the package and impatiently tore at the wrapping a few days later. As he held the square box in his hand, Yuzuru immediately understood what it was that Javier had wanted to do here. It was that video game they had played that night. Except that it was the extended version of it, with levels they hadn’t been able to explore yet. Actually they had never played this video game again because Yuzuru had never brought it back to Javier’s. He had stored it away as soon as he had got back to his place and felt that he should never play it again because the game belonged to that night only. It was just a one time. Something completely out of the ordinary that wasn’t supposed to repeat itself. Although it almost had in the morning if they hadn’t been interrupted.

Yuzuru put the video game back in the cardboard box it came with when he spotted a little envelope at the bottom of it that he hadn’t seen before. He opened it and read the handwritten note with another smile on his face, before reaching for his phone to answer Javier right away. He almost never communicated by text messages with him because he didn’t like the fact that what he wrote could be recorded in his phone. He much preferred the little notes they left each other in his old boots that they would tear up and throw away as soon as they had read them. But right now he wouldn’t see him for a long time so he settled for a simple ‘thank you’ he knew Javier would understand. He expected him to answer quickly but he didn’t. And Yuzuru found himself checking his phone every two minutes to see whether he’d texted him back. His anguish soon turned into a feeling of jealousy he just couldn’t get rid of when he thought that Javier was probably with her. Yuzuru didn’t like that feeling that gripped at his heart but no matter how hard he tried to make it go away he just couldn’t, which made him feel even more uneasy. At last he put the phone and the package away and got out of his room to escape all this.

It’s only at the end of the day that he had allowed himself to check his phone again, where he’d finally seen an answer from him. He smiled again at what Javier had written him, his anguish from before finally eased and he sent him a last reply before storing his present away for the remainder of his stay in Japan.

‘I’ll bring it back with me next time.’

Until then, he would not allow himself to think about him again.

***

And he had brought it back. Although he had once again waited a long time before finally finding a piece of paper in his boots which told him that that night at last Javier would be free. And yet, as soon as he had reached his flat, Javier had told him that he had to go out again because the guys he usually went to drink with wanted him to spend the evening at a party downtown with them. He had tried to get out of it by pretending he was tired, but they would hear none of that. They knew Cortney was away and there was no way he would spend the night on his own. Knowing how much Javier hated solitude and always felt the need to have people around him, it was only natural he should say yes. So in the end he had given in.

‘’It’s not to arouse suspicion,’’ he had added at last while giving him a kiss on the lips. ‘’I’ll try to be back the soonest I can.’’

Yuzuru could hear the disappointment in Javier’s voice, mixed with that hint of guilt he always seemed to carry with him when they were together. He wasn’t sure whether that guilt was because of him cheating on his girlfriend with him, or because they were never free to spend as much time as they wanted to together. No matter what, his girlfriend always seemed to be in the way somehow, even when she wasn’t there. Yuzuru could have thrown a fit and let his own disappointment show but he simply leaned in in turn and kissed him deeply, so that Javier would not go there without a reminder of what awaited him at home. When they finally broke the kiss, Javier seemed almost in a daze and Yuzuru was the one to remind him that he had to go, so that he would come back even quicker.

Once alone in Javier’s flat, he had taken that video game out of his bag and left it on the coffee table, so that they could finally continue where they’d left off when he’d come back. In the meantime he had played other games and tried to kill the time the best he could while trying not to think too much about everything that upset him right now. Like that bottle of cranberry juice in the fridge, that tube of hand cream next to the couch, or those hair clips on Javier’s nightstand. All those little things were cluttering the flat in such a familiar way that Javier never thought of putting them away when Yuzuru came. And usually he didn’t really pay attention to them because they’d be too busy being with each other. But right now it was all he could see and it was just driving him mad all over again. At last he went to bed and switched off all the lights to not see again. He closed his eyes and sunk into the freshly changed sheets, thinking that she wouldn’t know he’d been there at all when the sheets would be changed yet again after his departure.

The next thing he knew something warm and pleasant was slowly waking him up and when he finally reached consciousness he realized it was Javier’s body cuddling to him. He had the curious impression he’d just fallen asleep and that all this was simply a dream until the strong smell of beer hit his senses when he returned Javier’s embrace. Something in the way Javier talked to him told him he was fairly inebriated but the more he kissed him the more he felt as if he was as intoxicated as him. His broad hands were running all over his body again and his lips were leaving scorching kisses on his skin he hadn’t felt in the longest time. His hands were travelling on him in turn, mapping with his slender fingers that territory he just couldn’t claim whenever he wanted, but which was all his at that moment. He could feel Javier tremble under his touch and the groan he let out in his neck when Yuzuru pressed himself even closer to him, grinding against him and brushing their growing erections together. He wanted to flip them over and take control but Javier didn’t let him as he slipped one hand between them and started caressing him over the fabric of his boxers, causing a helpless moan to slip by his lips. He instantly forgot everything and threw his head back in the pillow when he felt Javier’s fingers slip past his underwear this time while still stroking him achingly slow. Yuzuru could feel his breath becoming laboured and his pulse racing while Javier kept teasing him with his thumb, brushing the tip from time to time while waiting for more sounds to spill from his mouth. He knew this was a battle for dominance but he wouldn’t keen, even though every one of Javier’s moves was like slow torture to him. At last a sigh escaped him and Javier’s mouth left the tender skin of Yuzuru’s neck to kiss his way down his body. Yuzuru could feel his hot breath still laced with alcohol on the skin of his thighs, and although he hadn’t touched him yet, he felt himself become even harder at the thought of his hot mouth around his shaft. But what came next wasn’t the release he had hoped for. Instead, Javier’s soft lips left a trail of faint kisses on his inner thigh and his length, while his fingers gently cradled his balls and played with them. Yuzuru kept hearing his own voice in his head begging him to simply give him what he craved for when he felt Javier’s tongue lap around the head of his cock, taking in the taste but not going further than that. He almost gave in and told him out loud what he wanted but his breath got caught away from him at the feeling of Javier suddenly swallowing him all, never allowing him to speak in the first place. He threw his head back in the pillow once more and this time he couldn’t care less about the sounds he made while Javier’s mouth slid up and down his length in such a way he knew he wouldn’t last long. He could already feel the familiar warmth pooling at the pit of his stomach and he tangled his fingers in Javier’s short hair while thrusting in his mouth so that he could take even more of him. So that all of him could disappear in him. He felt Javier choke a bit after a while and he released him at last. Javier pulled away to catch his breath before sucking at the head only and flicking his tongue around it in a way he knew would get Yuzuru past his limits. Yuzuru was so close, he felt his hips jerk erratically in Javier’s fist, until he finally exploded in what felt like a multicoloured firework inside of him.

He felt so good, it was as if he were floating in the dark. He could feel Javier’s eyes on him all the while but couldn’t tell if he was close or far away. Finally he felt his lips travel on his body again, until his face was hovering over his own and his breath teasing his mouth open. He closed the distance and crashed his lips against his, his mind still fuzzy from the mind-blowing release he’d just had and which he had so desperately needed. He slowly licked Javier’s swollen lips again with the tip of his tongue, relishing the feeling, before putting him on his back at last. His hand slid down under his boxers in turn, immediately stroking Javier’s painful erection while sucking hard on his nipples. He could have teased him in turn but he just didn’t feel like it. His heart was bursting with such a feeling of bliss that he wanted Javier to join him there as quickly as possible. He dipped his tongue in his navel and increased the pace of his strokes while he felt Javier progressively lose control as his fingers gripped at his hair in turn. Yuzuru moved back up and put his wet mouth close to his ear, nibbling at his lobe and then thrusting his tongue in and out of his ear to the rhythm of what his fingers were doing. He felt a shiver run through Javier’s body and knew he would fall over the edge any moment now. One word from him would be enough and he started gently encouraging him in Japanese, before his heart gave in and words he never intended to tell spilt out from his mouth. Before he knew it, he was telling him all the ways he made him feel and what it was that he felt for him. He also told him that he wouldn’t share him anymore and as Javier was on the verge of coming he let some more words slip in English this time.

 

It took Javier quite a while before he came back to his senses and Yuzuru lightly ran his fingers on his burning skin all the while, waiting for him to catch his breath at last. Javier finally turned towards him, still a bit breathless and sweetly kissed him while his fingers moved in turn on Yuzuru’s body in a gentle caress. Their embrace was soft and loving, offering a deep contrast with the earlier battle of dominance that had driven their intercourse and Yuzuru felt himself wanting that this moment right now would never end. That morning would never come.

Javier brushed his hand on his cheek and then asked him at last in a whisper:

‘’Why did you tell me this at that moment?’’

Yuzuru took his hand in his and gently kissed it.

‘’I feel need to say it at that moment.’’

Javier left another kiss on his lips before resting his head on his chest.

‘’Tell it to me again.’’

Yuzuru smiled and he felt his heart jump and ache at the same time while the foreign words left his lips once more.

‘’My love.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the same scene as [At night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3084053) seen from a different point of view.


	20. Losing sight

Javier had remained stunned for a few minutes, unable to wrap his head around the fact that Yuzuru had gone from his flat once again. And yet, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it would happen sooner or later. He had tried to prepare for it, but this time he had truly believed he would stay, if only to repeat those words to him once more in the morning sun. The game he had sent him for his birthday had been left unwrapped on his coffee table, but he had only noticed it once back to his flat in the evening. He thought that if maybe he hadn’t gone out that night they would have played it together and finally got to those levels they hadn’t reached yet. But he had gone out anyway, only to keep up appearances. And once with his pals he had tried to keep it up the best he could, only to find out that the only thing he truly wanted despite the guilt was to be with him. There, curled up in the dark, away from the light and the prying eyes. Drunk only of him and not thinking about what the others could say about them. 

He saw him again in the afternoon, but somehow their eyes never met while they were on the ice. He almost exclusively worked with Brian because of the European championships that were starting the following week. As for Yuzuru, he mostly stayed in Tracy’s group, working on his skating skills and meticulously repeating the same patterns on the ice with that look of complete focus on his face that overshadowed any other feelings. Javier knew because he couldn’t help but look at him from time to time through the long mirror that hung on the wall, never turning his face though as if he feared that if he did, his reflection would disappear. Yuzuru didn’t seem to notice but Brian did, and he quickly snapped him from his torpor by reminding him of why he was there. Brian’s severe tone was the jolt he needed to finally wake up from that night. And from then on he stopped looking in the mirror and focused on what he had to do. Because he just couldn’t let his mind wander this way whenever his heart was ready to burst. 

It’s only at the end of the training session, while they were both silently sitting side by side and putting their shoes back on in the locker room full of skaters, that Yuzuru talked to him for the first time in the day.

‘’You still have problems with boots?’’ 

Javier was surprised to hear his voice at last. He tensed up and stopped lacing his shoes, but didn’t dare looking up to him. 

‘’Yes,’’ he answered hesitantly. ‘’I even went back to my old ones, but somehow they feel too loose now.’’

From all the ways he had wanted to start up a conversation with him for the past few minutes, this was the last subject he thought they would broach. And yet, he’d been talking about that everlasting problem with Brian again that same afternoon. Somehow, Yuzuru must have heard them. 

‘’Try with my old. You skate good with it.’’

He was talking to him in a whisper, still lacing his own shoes and not looking to him either. 

Javier slowly turned his head, watching the way his long, delicate fingers moved all the while. He thought he could see them slightly shake, although Yuzuru’s voice was steady.

‘’But they’re yours. We don’t skate the same way. I would feel uncomfortable,’’ he finally answered.

‘’You feel not comfortable when you use them?’’

Yuzuru stopped his movement once more, slightly turning his head towards him but still not looking at him. 

‘’No, no,’’ Javier stammered. Actually they had always felt surprisingly comfortable, which was something that to him defied all logic.

‘’Then use them.’’

Javier straightened up, not answering anything, and waited for Yuzuru to do the same. When he finally did, he fought the urge to turn towards him because he wasn’t sure he could keep calm if he did. At last he asked in a murmur:

‘’If I take these and skate with them, there would be no more papers in them right?’’

‘’No.’’

Javier felt his heart hammer in his chest like it did in the morning. He had the curious sensation while hearing Yuzuru’s brief but decided answer that something was up. That he was about to slip away from him just like he had done in the morning. He wanted to take his hand in his, feel those delicate fingers in his own once more if only to make sure he wouldn’t leave again, but there were too many people around them. 

‘’About yesterday. About what you told me…’’ he started, unable to keep quiet about it any longer, but Yuzuru cut him off instantly.

‘’Yesterday you drink too much. Your head was not clear.’’

He laughed a strained but tender laugh, as if recalling Javier’s drunken embrace and slurred babbling made him both sad and happy.

‘’I know, but I also remember that…’’ he started again. 

‘’Yesterday I say goodbye,’’ Yuzuru quickly said in one breath, turning his face towards him at last. ‘’You go to Europeans and win. And then you are strong in Sochi. I will wait there.’’

He smiled a curious smile, briefly taking his hand in his before letting go and standing up, his gaze already drifting away from his. Javier held him back by the arm and quietly asked him: ‘’What do you mean when you say goodbye?’’

‘’It mean I’m tired,’’ he whispered almost inaudibly, his voice crumbling away, before gently freeing his arm without turning his head.

Javier didn’t answer anything but watched him make his way through the group of skaters changing clothes and chatting away with the odd feeling of already having lived through that scene. Except that they had been the only two souls in the room at the time. He watched him say goodbye to the others and shake a few hands before he pushed the door open and disappeared at last without looking back once. And all the while Javier had stayed where he was, unable to move and his heart overflowing with a feeling of cold that was steadily spreading to his whole body. Yuzuru’s words still resonated in his ears. And yet, there had been too many people around them and the words they had exchanged had been too hushed and muffled to be real. The only thing real was the fleeting touch of his hand that he could still vividly feel on his skin. But it felt as if it were burning.

Slowly he turned his gaze away from the door at last, only to find Nam’s eyes looking into his this time. And without him saying anything he knew that Nam had caught up on their whispered conversation and the unusual tension that had been in their exchange. The look on his face was hard to read, but Javier had the curious impression Nam shared his feeling of dismay. But before he knew it, his training mate had already looked away, as if he felt guilty of having listened in on something he shouldn’t have.


	21. Shutting out

And somehow, that was it. Once Yuzuru’s figure had disappeared through the locker room door their paths had irremediably followed different directions: Javier’s the one to the European championships first where he had to defend his title, Yuzuru’s the one to the Olympics he was preparing for harder than ever. From the outside world their behaviours hadn’t changed at all. It was normal for skaters like them to start retreating in their own bubbles as a big competition was approaching. Especially for Yuzuru who could be all giggly one minute and then a stone wall of determination the next. Javier could be the same, and although he liked to joke around and share his time with others, he knew when to start mentally preparing himself for what was to come next. It was at times like these that Javier and Yuzuru usually preferred having separate training sessions so as not to put pressure on the other. It was best to focus on their own skating only rather than comparing themselves to their training mate who was soon to become one of their toughest adversaries. But this time that separation also meant other things for Javier. Their lack of interaction since their hushed conversation in the changing room meant no more fleeting caresses nor stolen kisses behind closed doors. It meant he couldn’t simply run his fingers through his hair or feel his slender body press against his during a quick hug. It meant he had to do just like Yuzuru now. Have his eyes set on a medal he knew he had to do everything to reach. But that medal didn’t really have a clear existence in Javier’s head. And at this point he wasn’t even sure if he was chasing one at all.

He had kept training hard anyway, letting himself be ruled by a set of instructions he had to follow to the letter. Following that schedule was his way of keeping his head above the water because it stopped him from thinking too much and start losing it. As long as he’d follow those rules established by Brian, everything would be alright, wouldn’t it? He’d kept training blindly with that foot hurting him every time he would wear those damn boots for too long, until one night he caved in and finally reached for Yuzuru’s. He looked inside, although he knew he wouldn’t find any paper in there, and simply decided to do one run-through of each of his programmes with them. If his foot wouldn’t hurt, then he would take them with him to Hungary. After all, it was worth the try.

***

He’d finally made up his mind about which pair he would bring with him to Hungary, but once at the airport, he’d realized his skates weren’t on the conveyor belt where his luggage was supposed to be. He’d panicked a great deal about it, more than Brian could have ever imagined, before learning that his package hadn’t been put on the wrong plane as he initially thought, but had simply been forgotten in the plane’s baggage compartment. He’d sighed with relief once the package had ultimately been back in his hands and had frantically opened it to check whether the skates were still there. Because almost losing them had reminded him of what Brian had told him a few months ago about another item Yuzuru had left him: ‘’Be careful not to hide it somewhere you could misplace it and then lose it.’’ The bracelet was still safely stored in his pocket, and the boots back in his possession. But could it be that Yuzuru was lost to him, precisely because he had done everything he could to hide what they had from others? And to some extent to himself? And yet, were not the boots another way for Yuzuru to be with him in spite of everything? Javier had the clear feeling that those words Yuzuru had uttered that night in his ear were not a dream. And yet, the way he’d then slipped away from that locker room without confirming any of this had left him wondering about what Yuzuru truly wanted. Was he ready to commit completely and asking Javier to do the same with him, or had he said goodbye to him for good? Because Javier knew that although Yuzuru seemed to harbour true feelings for him, his strong commitment to his country and his skating career made him feel somehow conflicted about their relationship. And Javier wasn’t sure he could compete with that. But right now simply thinking about those words he firmly believed he’d heard in the dark gave him the motivation he needed to do his best on the ice. All the more so as the boots he was wearing reminded him that he’d not been left on his own after all. So in the end it was not the idea of a medal around his neck that led him to his second straight European gold, but the strong feeling of having to catch up to Yuzuru for good this time. And this started by the cleanest skate possible.

***

They hadn’t seen each other in weeks when they finally got to meet at the Olympic village together with Brian. Their coach had wanted the three of them to get together the soonest possible so as to go over their respective schedules and be sure both his pupils knew how he would navigate between the two of them during the next days. They had decided to meet in the morning before the first practice, at a café in the village. And although Javier had woken up way before his alarm clock, he just couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be there earlier to have a chance to talk with Yuzuru alone, or late, so as to avoid having that talk he so desperately wanted. All he knew is that the mere thought of seeing him again made him suddenly feel so nervous, he didn’t feel like himself anymore. He’d finally settled for going there a bit earlier nonetheless, but the only person who greeted him once at the café was his coach.

‘’Yuzu is coming,’’ he told him while offering him a latte. ‘’He’s been caught by journalists once again.’’

‘’He won’t catch a break after all,’’ Javier said while sitting down and taking his gloves off. The warmth of the café almost hit him in the face while he let out that breath he’d been holding until now.

‘’Neither will you. I’ve got your own schedule here with planned interviews. You’ll start at 10, before your first training session, while I’ll be with Yuzu.’’

Javier took the paper from Brian’s hands and took a quick look at it, but he seemed distracted somehow and just couldn’t focus on what was written. So much for trying to calm himself a few minutes ago on his way here. It still felt like his heart was stuck in his throat.

‘’You’ll be asked the usual questions, but this time it’s about an event the whole world watches, even people who don’t really care about figure skating. Be careful of some of the questions that might be intrusive. Journalists want to draw an attractive portrait of the athletes competing here, but they also like to look for gossip…’’

Javier looked up at his coach. He could feel in Brian’s tone the underlying message hidden behind his words. He knew his coach meant well, but he simply didn’t feel like talking about any of this right now.

‘’I know how to handle journalists, don’t worry!’’

Brian nodded.

‘’I know you do.’’

‘’So we’ll start training right away?’’

He took another look at the schedule, trying to concentrate on it more.

‘’Some shorter sessions at first, since you’re not competing at the team event…’’

‘’And then I’ll be sharing the ice with Yuzu?’’ he interrupted him.

Brian nodded again.

‘’It’ll be easier to handle for me. Unless of course you think it will be difficult for you…’’

‘’Why would it be difficult? We’ve always done it this way!’’ he suddenly snapped.

As soon as the words left his mouth he realized how harsh his tone had just been.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he apologized right away while massaging his temple with two fingers. ‘’It’s just… I don’t know why you want to make this a problem.’’ Javier breathed out noisily. He knew he had no reason to overreact this way, but it had stung to hear Brian refer to the distance that had been between him and Yuzuru the last couple of weeks.

‘’I don’t,’’ Brian answered calmly, showing no sign of holding a grudge against his pupil for the way he had just barked at him. He looked around at the people drinking and chatting at other tables and lowered his voice. ‘’But I don’t want your surroundings here to affect your skating. Just like I don’t want Yuzuru to be affected either. Since the Europeans, I have a harder time reading you. I don’t know exactly what’s going on between you two and I won’t ask, because it’s none of my business. But from where I’m sitting, it feels like you’re on edge.’’

‘’Maybe I am. But I did just fine in Budapest. I’ll be fine here too. I’m just on edge because it’s a big competition, that’s all.’’

Brian looked at Javier again who suddenly looked like a defenseless little boy. There was a fragility in his eyes he hadn’t seen before. But he knew right now was not the time to try and stir all those conflicted emotions that were bubbling up at the surface. Because he knew that if he went too far all those feelings that his pupils had so far kept at bay would come pouring out one way or another. And he wasn’t sure they’d both be able to handle it.

‘’Hi. Sorry I’m late.’’

Javier felt a hand lightly brush his shoulder from behind and froze. When he turned around, he saw Yuzuru bow in front of Brian and him before he took a chair and sat at their table with another gesture of apology.

Brian bowed too with a smile and stood up almost right away to get that hot chocolate he had ordered for Yuzuru when he’d arrived.

‘’After getting up so early for interviews, you earned it,’’ he winked at him before walking away to the counter. ‘’I’ll be right back.’’

‘’You don’t drink your latte?’’ Yuzuru asked Javier once Brian had left.

Javier looked at him without understanding him right away, before following Yuzuru’s eyes and looking at the drink he had in his hand as if he saw it for the first time.

‘’Right. I forgot about it,’’ he said, his mouth dry.

Yuzuru timidly smiled at him and Javier smiled back. It was that smile again, the one he’d only smile at him. And while Javier took a sip of his cold latte, he felt his heart jump and ache all over again.


	22. Defining

Brian had left them alone for a short while and watched from afar instead while waiting for his order. He thought those two needed to be on their own now, just to be sure they would be able to interact normally all week long, rather than wait for something to happen later on. If they had something to say to each other, now was the time. He didn’t know much about what those two were living through, but he sure had spotted the signs that something more than friendship or camaraderie was going on between them way before Javier had confirmed his suspicions a few months ago. He’d wondered more than once if he should have talked about it to Javier earlier, rather than wait for him to confess anything. After all he was the closest thing he had to a ‘parent’ in Toronto, and Brian couldn’t help but see himself in him. He’d been through the same process of fear and denial at some point in his life when he had had to come to terms with his own sexuality, but luckily for him, it had happened sooner than for Javier. And at that time he’d been surrounded by people who understood and supported him. Javier on the other hand seemed to live through that on his own, and Brian wasn’t sure he was able to cope at the moment. He’d still come here with his girlfriend, which made it all the more confusing for Brian. And he seemed to be far more nervous than he was in Budapest. As for Yuzuru, the boy remained a mystery to him. His mum had been the one to come to him about that problem a few weeks ago, but she didn’t seem to know much more than him. Yuzuru kept himself to himself on this point and Brian had no idea what was going on in his head. And this was what worried him the most. 

 

Yuzuru giggled when Javier made a face after taking a sip of his drink.

‘’Ugh, that’s cold!’’ Javier gasped while putting the cup down.

He looked at Yuzuru whose eyes had disappeared as he was still giggling and laughed in turn.

‘’How are you?’’ Yuzuru asked more seriously after a moment while putting his hands with his fingers neatly crossed on the table. ‘’Not too much jet lag?’’ 

‘’No I’m okay. I’m used to it,’’ Javier chuckled while trying another sip of his cold latte. The taste was kind of peculiar but he could manage. And at least that latte had the advantage of breaking the ice between them right away.

‘’By the way, congratulations for the gold medal. I knew you can do it.’’ 

Yuzuru smiled again while keeping his fingers still crossed on the table. But although he didn’t make any gesture of affection towards him there was a warmth in his eyes that told Javier how much he meant those words.

‘’Well I followed your advice.’’

‘’I know,’’ Yuzuru said instantly. ‘’You even added Spanish flag on my boots.’’

‘’How do you…’’

‘’I watch on TV with Nam,’’ Yuzuru added with a wink.

‘’Of course,’’ Javier replied while smiling along with him. He didn’t know how, but this right now felt exactly like before. Like before they had started messing with each other’s feelings and sanity. There was that ease and innocence in their interaction that Javier had missed somehow. The initial apprehension he had been feeling was slowly fading away as they reverted to their old habits. As long as their talk was about figure skating, they would be fine.

‘’So what did you think?’’

‘’I think it be hard to beat you. But I’m ready too.’’

‘’You’ll get a warm-up round at the team event anyway,’’ Javier said pensively. ‘’It will all give us an idea of what you are capable of.’’

Yuzuru nodded as his gaze seemed to suddenly change. There was a quiet determination burning in his eyes that made him look strangely calm and collected. The excitation was there, but fully under control. It was as if he were a complete different person from who he was a mere month ago, and Javier wondered if being far away from him had contributed to that state of serenity. All he knew was that this kind of Yuzuru scared him as much as he fascinated him.

‘’I can’t wait to be there,’’ Yuzuru murmured almost to himself.

Javier looked at him again and felt that irrepressible need to simply put his hand on his or touch him. But somehow he felt that this wasn’t allowed because Yuzuru was far away for now. He’d retreated in that inner space he seemed to withdraw to whenever he was in a competitive mode and Javier knew he had no right to disturb him right now. They were still friends, but no line would be crossed this time. They just couldn’t afford it for the time being. 

‘’Here’s your chocolate,’’ Brian said while coming back to sit with them. 

They both shifted their attention back to their coach and went over their schedule once more with him. The conversation remained calm and relaxed, contrasting with the earlier exchange Javier had had with Brian, and this time he could focus more on what his coach was telling him. Ultimately he parted ways with them, as Yuzuru had a first practice session planned, while he headed towards his first set of interviews. 

 

Four years ago Javier had been a nobody at the Olympics, and a few papers only had wanted to interview him. But this time around he was treated as some major personality by most of the journalists who were there, and even international papers asked for a word with him. The questions were not exactly the same depending on the nationality of the paper though, as the readers’ interests shifted from one country to the next. Spanish journalists seemed mostly interested in him as his country’s flag bearer and only chance of a historical podium, while Japanese ones kept asking about his relationship with Yuzuru. What did it feel like to share one’s coach and training with one of his direct competitors every day? Did they get along fine? Were they seeing each other outside of training? Javier knew what kind of phenomenon Yuzuru was becoming in his country and how much his friendship with him seemed to fascinate his fans. So he gave the usual answers, choosing his words carefully so as to keep up appearances as always. People didn’t really want to know about him anyway, but about Yuzuru, because for them as well as for him, he still appeared as a mystery they hadn’t cracked open yet. The only time he seemed to be short of an answer though was when one of the Spanish journalists asked him after evoking the presence of his girlfriend there what he thought about LGBT rights protest surrounding the Games. The whole irony of the situation hit him in the face then and he laughed to himself. Who was he to give an opinion on the matter?


	23. Ending(s)

On the following days Yuzuru and Javier would progressively see more of each other, as their training sessions would finally be spent on the same ice. During those moments they would be under the watchful eyes of Brian as well as pretty much everyone else present in the arena. Or rather, Yuzuru was. Javier couldn’t help but notice the glances the other skaters would cast on him every time he would step on the ice, as well as that special atmosphere that seemed to take hold of the whole place every time he’d make his appearance. Everyone would notice him, and even get distracted by him although he wouldn’t be doing nothing much. Sometimes he would simply warm up at the side of the rink while listening to his own music on his earphones and shake his head wildly, earning a few amused looks from the staff members surrounding him. Other times he would be on the ice, pointing his fingers in different directions and talking to himself with such a serious look on his face that people would look at him in surprise. But he was so caught up in his own world that most of the time he wouldn’t notice that people had actually stopped in their tracks to look at him. Or maybe he did but never let it show. And then he would start jumping and blow everyone’s mind, including Javier’s, although it wouldn’t be the first time he would see him jump like that. Journalists and commentators were buzzing with excitement at the perspective of his upcoming dual with Chan. And that excitement had taken a whole new level after his brilliant performance during the team event, where he’d been close to beating his own world record again. There was a smoothness and a polish to his movements Javier wasn’t sure he had ever seen on him before. It seemed that he had grown so much in a space of a few weeks, that now his presence felt bigger than ever. And Javier was so engrossed in that presence that he tended sometimes to forget himself altogether. And yet, not one moment later Yuzuru would be back at the board next to him, taking a tissue from Pooh and blowing his noise noisily while foolishly giggling because Plushenko was there too. His idol was at the same Olympics as him and he simply couldn’t believe his eyes. He seemed so genuinely happy and boyish in those moments that Javier couldn’t help but be infected by his smile and his good mood. And then Yuzuru would wordlessly take him by the hand and lead him to the centre of the ice to train with him. It was his way of challenging him and letting him know he was still part of his world. Javier let himself be guided by that irresistible presence on the ice and soon enough he was training with the same persistence as Yuzuru, while Brian couldn’t help but smile at the board. During those training sessions things looked so simple and easy that Javier felt his heart become lighter, but then he’d join Cortney off the ice and his heart and mind would cloud again…

Since that romantic weekend they’d had in the chalet back in December, Cortney hadn’t seemed to be getting any better. She’d had a hard time finding motivation again and had looked so depressed, Javier had genuinely been worried about her. He’d taken care of her and tried to make her smile again while knowing very well he’d kept delaying the inevitable. But he simply didn’t have the heart to cut her out of his life while she seemed to go through such a rough patch. He’d stayed by her side out of concern for her, and out of guilt over the feelings he had for someone else. But now that she’d followed him to the Olympics he’d started to realize how much of a mistake this whole idea had been, and how that situation was affecting him more than he would have ever admitted out loud. He’d stopped lying to himself a while ago but now he needed to stop lying to her too. Because the more he would wait, the more he would make her suffer. And the more likely he was to lose both her and Yuzuru. 

He’d been conscious of all this and yet the whole week had flown by in a haze. The short programme had happened and then the free programme had happened and soon enough he’d found himself at the foot of the podium while contemplating his own shortcomings. He’d lost only because of himself. He’d had all the cards in hands and yet he’d blown it. No matter how many hours of training he had put into his routine, he had been unable to complete it the way he was supposed to when it mattered. Because his heart and mind hadn’t been in the right place at the right time he simply hadn’t been able to find the right balance in himself to do so. He’d thought until the last minute that he had done enough, until the scores had come up and he’d realized he hadn’t even noticed that one glaring mistake he had made. But at that moment of utter disappointment he had felt himself smile at last. He’d smiled because what happened to him was only right. And now that the competition was over, he felt as if he was finally able to breathe. He felt ready to break free and lift off that burden that kept pulling him under.

On the evening of Yuzuru’s victory, he’d briefly taken him in his arms to whisper a ‘congratulation’ in his ear, but soon enough a hundred different hands were pulling him away from him. Because on that evening Yuzuru had become an unreachable symbol, an Olympic champion that was shining so brightly, Javier felt almost blinded by him. He’d quietly stolen away then, leaving him in the hands of all those adoring people while spending his own time with his family who’d tried so hard to comfort him and letting him know how proud it was of him. But Javier didn’t need any word of comfort. He felt grateful to them and to Cortney for their presence and their kind words, but he felt as if they were superfluous. He would simply look ahead and the next time he wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. This he swore to himself. 

He’d spend the evening trying in turn to make those around him smile, until Cortney had called it a night for him, because she could see how tired he actually was. All evening her eyes had been on him and Javier had the curious sensation that she was trying to see behind his laughs and his jokes. That she was trying to understand him. And that she wanted them to be alone.

The moment he closed the door on him and her that night, he knew the time had come for them to face reality at last. And he knew he wouldn’t step back this time, because he simply couldn’t keep everything inside any longer. He watched her sit on the bed while he found himself still holding that rose a staff member had given him a while ago. Today had been Valentine’s Day and the whole venue had been filled with scarlet flowers. This one he’d received just before knowing his score from the free skate. Unless it was another one he’d been given later on. He simply couldn’t remember. 

But all this didn’t really matter now. The second their eyes met, all unnecessary thoughts vanished from his mind. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to let everything out at last. To tell her all those things that had been left unsaid between them for far too long.


	24. Revealing

‘’I…’’

‘’You know,’’ she cut him off gently, ‘’if it had been a few months ago, the first thing you would have done would have been to give me that rose. But things have changed, haven’t they?’’

Javier had remained stunned for a few seconds and looked at her in complete disbelief. She didn’t seem angry or agitated, but simply calm. A lot calmer than Javier was at that very moment.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he finally answered in turn after a while. He clenched the rose in his hand and went to sit on the bed next to her. ‘’I’m so sorry,’’ he repeated quietly. And this time they both knew he wasn’t only speaking about the flower.

‘’I get it. That flower isn’t for me anymore. Maybe it’s for someone else. Although I wish it wasn’t.’’ She’d added that last part in a whisper, visibly struggling now to keep that placid appearance any longer.

Javier smiled sadly at her while putting the flower away and attempting to wipe those tears that were already forming at the corner of her eyes. But she instinctively recoiled from his touch.

‘’No. Don’t try to comfort me. You’ve been trying to do that so much lately that I’m not sure it’s doing me any good.’’

Javier pulled his hand away and looked straight ahead at the wall in front of him. His gaze seemed unfocused while he was trying to find the right words to say all those things that were pressing against his lips but that he had never dared saying out loud.

‘’You’re right. I should stop doing that. You’re not some kind of fragile doll I should try to protect. But it’s a way for me to run away,’’ he uttered quietly at last.

This time she took his hand in hers and held it tight, refusing to let him go yet.

‘’What is it that you try to run away from? You don’t really talk to me anymore. It’s like we became strangers,‘’ she murmured while waiting for him to face her again. When he did he saw all those questions reflected in her dark orbs and realized that most of her sadness was due to his own inability to be truthful to her. That the closer he had tried to be to her lately, the more absent he had actually been.

‘’I lied to you. And to me,’’ he finally said while detaching his hand from hers, because he felt that he didn’t deserve to hold on to it anymore. ‘’And I probably did and felt things that would be considered as ‘promoting wrong customs’ in this country he added almost to himself with a quiet chuckle.

That last remark made Cortney even more confused than she had been a moment ago.

‘’You know for a long time I tried to be a certain way and felt happy to have someone like you by my side…’’

He had stood up again and had started pacing to and fro in front of her, unable to keep still any longer. ‘’But then I started feeling things again that I was certain I had buried deep enough to forget… Because I’ve always been told it was wrong to feel this way…’’

He finally came to a stop and looked her in the eye again. ‘’But now the only thing that feels wrong is what I did to you. I’m sorry I let you down this way and didn’t tell you earlier.’’

‘’I’m not sure I’m following you,’’ she interrupted him hesitantly. ‘’Are you telling me that…’’

‘’Yes,’’ he cut her off almost instantly and paused again one last time, ready at last to formulate out loud what she was desperately trying to guess. ‘’I cheated on you… I cheated on you with a man.’’

Cortney’s eyes widened for a while. It was as if that person who was talking to her wasn’t Javier. As if she was talking to a completely different man than the one she knew. Or that she thought she knew. And yet those warm eyes were the same, those strong hands were the same. That soothing voice was the same but it uttered such unbelievable words that… And then it hit her. Everything that had felt out of place those last few months now suddenly made perfect sense to her. As if she had finally found the last pieces that were missing in that giant puzzle she found herself caught into. That strange behaviour on that morning Javier and her had gone to buy that present for her mother. That shirt and that bracelet Javier had kept and never given back. That smell in their sheets and the way their interactions had changed. That invisible presence between them she simply couldn’t put her finger on. Those strange texts she had read in Javier’s phone and his overprotective behaviour those past few weeks. As if he were compensating for… She looked at the rose that was still on the bed and now it was her turn to quietly chuckle while she took it in her hand.

‘’So that rose _is_ for someone after all,’’ she murmured. ‘’It’s for him.’’

She looked up at Javier again and smiled wistfully at him.

‘’How long… How long have you known that…’’

‘’That I liked men? Or that I…’’

‘’That you liked men?’’ she interrupted him before he would say those words that would hurt her more than she could bear. Because she knew what he was about to say. She’d felt she had lost him for that other person a long time ago.

‘’I think I’ve always known it. I’ve always felt it somehow. But I never allowed myself to…’’ his voice failed him again. All he could see was how much she was hurting and yet how much of a relief he felt now that he had finally been able to tell this to someone. Now that he had stopped lying at last. But those feelings felt quite irreconcilable at that moment.

He looked again at her prostrate figure on the bed. She wasn’t moving at all, so much so that one could have thought that she had been changed into a lifeless statue. But then a sudden trembling ran through her. At first Javier thought she was crying but she was actually laughing. It was a nervous laugh that she couldn’t help.

‘’Gosh it’s the second time in a few weeks,’’ she murmured to herself while looking up at the ceiling. ‘’First Michal and then you. Why am I so blind?’’

He looked at her questioningly.

‘’It’s nothing,’’ she said to him with a smile forced on her by circumstances as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘’It’s just that I had only recently got the fact that my dancing partner had a boyfriend. And now it’s your turn.’’

She laughed one last time and then suddenly stopped, looking down again.

Javier approached her tentatively and after a while he felt her take his hand in hers again. This time he gladly let her and squeezed it tight. She closed her eyes and for a moment he thought she would never open them again. Until she finally spoke and slowly turned her gaze towards him once more.

‘’I need to tell you something too,’’ she started in a small voice that was barely audible, ‘’since it’s time to put everything out in the open… That night you keep asking me about,’’ she continued after a moment’s silence. ‘’That first night never really happened.’’

Javier knitted his brows in confusion.

‘’You know I’ve always liked you. And that night I took advantage of the fact that you were quite drunk to drive you back home,’’ she went on while raising her voice a bit and nervously wringing her hands. ‘’And then once at your place I tried to do more… But no matter what I did you didn’t really… react. So since I was already naked and you were already sleeping, I took the last of your clothes off and I switched off the lights …’’

‘’But we never actually…’’

She shook her head. ‘’Our first time was the second one. The one you remember.’’

Javier didn’t answer anything for a while and simply tried to process that revelation he hadn’t seen coming. He’d tried so many times to remember that night that he had never thought about the possibility that there was actually nothing to remember. He could have felt betrayed, but mostly he felt relieved. Because at least he had a proper memory of those first moments of intimacy. And those he knew had truly happened.

‘’So we both tried to fool ourselves it seems,’’ he finally murmured. And this time when he approached his hand to wipe the tear that was slowly running down her cheek, she didn’t push him away.

‘’I guess it was my way of making my dreams real,’’ she said with a strained voice and a broken laugh. ‘’Because I always thought you were the guy of my dreams… But lately all those dreams are kind of crashing down on me.’’

‘’We make mistakes, we fall and we hurt. But we always get up, right?’’ he asked her with a smile that was genuine at last. He sat back down next to her, and when he approached her, he saw the ghost of the same smile finally grace her trembling lips. And without even thinking of it he took her in his arms to let her cry at will. Because he felt his own eyes tearing up as well.

Tonight was the end of a dream that at some point they had worked hard to make reality, and Javier realized that he had never felt as close to her as in this moment where they had finally shown each other their true colours. They’d been weak and foolish, but he truly believed that they had cared for each other all this time in their own imperfect ways. Tonight they would cry over their failures but also from relief for having finally freed themselves. And they would hold tight to each other, until tomorrow they would finally let go for good.


	25. Clearing

The next morning it had been Cortney’s turn to leave him to face the morning light on his own. He’d turned on his side to instinctively run his hand on the empty space next to him in search of someone, but all he’d felt was a stinging sensation in his fingertip that woke him up fully. He opened his eyes with a curse and sucked on his finger while looking for what had caused such a sharp and sudden pain. His eyes fell on the rose that he had brought back from the venue the night before, half-hidden between the rumpled sheets he had slept upon without even taking his clothes off. It was right next to him where Cortney must have left it before leaving. He gingerly picked it up again, careful to avoid the thorn that had just pricked him and smelled its scent which was still very vivid. It reminded him of that strong flowery smell that had assaulted his senses on the morning when he and Cortney had gone to buy her mother that pink geranium, and how dizzy it had made him feel. It was the smell of something new and confusing, something that made his heart race and his knees weak. The smell of what he and Yuzuru had done that very first night and had started again the next morning. The smell of Cortney’s cluelessness and his own inner turmoil. But today it was also the smell of something which had finally ended, leaving him with a deep feeling of emptiness, as if he’d been drained from all energy and will. He put the rose back on the bed and looked around him in that big, unfamiliar hotel room, only to find out that all traces of Cortney were gone. She’d vanished, leaving only the rose behind.

***

That’s it, three more, two more, one more…

Javier was stretching and twirling around on the stage, a big Super J plastered on his chest and his cape floating behind him while he goofed around on his skates. People were laughing and clapping along, delighted at seeing him make a fool of himself in the Olympic stadium. They were happy, and in that moment, so was he. He simply was being himself, never taking things too seriously for too long and ready to do anything to see the others around him smile because of his antics. Even take a whole bucket of water on his face and show himself in red spandex underpants if this meant more laughter. In the end he felt utterly worn out but it was well worth it, and he could see how everyone enjoyed that routine, even his fellow skaters who were still laughing and mimicking his gestures once he had returned backstage. He smiled back to people, shook hands and laughed with some of them while landing in front of a mirror and chuckling at his own reflection. People were passing by in the corridor right behind him and were reflected in that mirror too. They were all wearing different kinds of costumes and flashy outfits, making him feel as if he were participating in a giant carnival. Most of them were also still wearing their skates, which made them walk in a strange, awkward way, as if their feet were too big for the rest of their bodies. Maybe this was the reason why he felt that, suddenly, everything around him was happening in a slow-motion, or maybe this was just because he felt extremely tired and his whole experience here those past few days was taking its toll on him just now. His eyes were almost closing in exhaustion when he felt a light caress on his neck, like a breath of wind on his skin that gave him goosebumps. He blinked and caught a glimpse of something familiar behind him. It was just a blur of glitter and purple feathers. He blinked again, but it was already gone, and when he turned around he saw that same blur of colours walk away and disappear through the crowd of skaters in the direction of the rink. Soon, it would be his turn. The Olympic champion would skate for the very first time and blow everybody’s mind in awe. He chuckled again and thought of how different they both were. How he’d spend the past four minutes entertaining the audience by being a dork on skates, while Yuzuru would draw them in in another world entirely by the simple magic of his skates and his hypnotic presence. He closed his eyes and felt the hair on the back of his neck stand again when he heard the first notes of his music resonate from far away…

Later they would be reunited on that stage, skating with the rest of the participants and offering a final encore to the audience. And all this time they would cast each other discreet glances, take each other’s hand for a while before letting go again for another spin, another wave of the hand in direction of the audience. They would skate close to each other, even graze each other’s side until another skater would come between the two of them and bring them back to the here and now. As it always happened between the two of them. How it kept happening since that same morning where they’d both found themselves on the ice for the gala rehearsal. They’d laughed and goofed around as usual, but as soon as Javier wanted to take his hands in his and tell him more, he would be cut off by the others all around them. And yet he’d told himself that maybe it was for the best, because he still felt that a lump was stuck in his throat, and that if he talked and finally confided in him he wouldn’t be able to stop the flood of whatever it was that he was keeping inside. So they kept doing what they did best, joking around with the others while silently communicating with a look or a small gesture. Until Yuzuru would disappear again because of yet another interview or something of the like. His presence was like that blur of glitters and purple feathers he’d seen for the very first time so many years ago. Something that he couldn’t really define, something that irresistibly attracted him and yet that kept eluding him...

 

The next day they both flew in different directions. Yuzuru to Japan where he was to fulfil his duties as new-crowned king, Javier to Toronto where he quietly got back to training and settle things with Cortney.

She came to his flat a few days later, apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye and wishing to get her things back. As soon as he had opened the door on her, their interactions had been kind of awkward. They were both sometimes laughing nervously to fill in silences while carefully avoiding looking each other in the eye. Javier helped her pack, but while doing so, he felt as if he were forcing her out of his flat and out of his life. They tried having a casual conversation but in the end they stopped trying, because it was making them more uncomfortable than they already were. It’s only at the end, when she was about to cross the threshold of his door again, that she turned around and asked him that one question that had been on her mind for a little while.

‘’So, did you give him that rose I left on the bed?’’

He froze and looked at her in surprise before he silently nodded.

‘’Yes. I gave it to him before he left.’’

Her lips turned into a curious smile then while she bent down and picked up the cardboard box full of the stuff she’d finally taken back.

‘’Good,’’ she whispered almost inaudibly. Unless Javier had imagined it.


	26. Confessing

Actually Javier only had the time to give him that rose when Yuzuru was already packing, ready to leave for his country again. 

All night they’d been interrupted by people and swarms of fans and other athletes revolving around Yuzuru all the time. Suddenly everybody wanted to have a word with him or simply shake his hand or take a picture with him. And Yuzuru always graciously agreed, kept bowing his head and humbly thanking the persons who came to him and took a bit of his time, until he had none left for himself. Javier thought how exhausting it had to be for Yuzuru to always be the focus of attention, and how nobody could have told, because Yuzuru didn’t show any sign of annoyance or tiredness. He always treated people equally, with the same smile and the same patience, until the next person came and he had to do it all over again. So in the end Javier had simply texted him and asked him if he could have a word with him in the morning, before he had to take off and continue all this in Japan. Yuzuru hadn’t answered him right away but had texted him back in the morning. He told him he would be alone in his room for a short while during the time he had to get ready before a taxi would pick him and his mum up. Javier got the message after waking up, and as he glanced at the time on the alarm clock on the nightstand, he saw that he would be barely in time to catch him. He immediately got dressed then and decided to skip the shower altogether, because he wanted to reach the room that Yuzuru was sharing with Machida as quickly as possible. He softly knocked on his door and Yuzuru opened to him with a warm smile on his face. He looked tired and yet his smile brightened his features and made his eyes almost disappear in a single slit. Javier smiled back and started to apologize as soon as the door closed behind him. 

‘’I’m so sorry, I fell asleep while I was waiting for your text and when I woke up it was already so late I…’’

‘’Shh, it’s okay, I don’t leave yet,’’ Yuzuru interrupted him and softly chuckled at his state of agitation. Javier was out of breath and kept waving his hands wildly while the words rapidly stumbled from his mouth. He stopped then and laughed with Yuzuru, his heart beating fast as he suddenly realized that they were both finally alone and so close to each other again. 

‘’Yes, you’re here,’’ he murmured while his eyes locked on his. His mouth felt dry and he started to nervously rub his index fingers and his thumbs together, forgetting he was holding the rose in one hand. ‘’Ouch!’’ He pricked his finger again and almost dropped the flower on the floor. ‘’Gosh, it’s the second time!’’ he cursed while sucking on his finger yet again.

Yuzuru giggled but took Javier’s hand to look at the tiny wound from which a single drop of blood was spurting.

‘’You hurt? You need antiseptic?’’ he asked and lightly grazed his fingers on his. That small contact made Javier feel a sudden shiver down his spine.

‘’No it’s nothing. I’m used to it now,’’ he said, smiling warmly at his concern while Yuzuru’s head was still bent down over his hand.

Yuzuru’s gaze shifted on the rose Javier was still holding in his other hand. He looked sheepishly at him and asked in a teasing voice: ‘’It’s for me?’’

Javier nodded and bashfully smiled in turn. 

‘’I wanted to give it to you earlier but well, you’ve become really hard to catch these days.’’

Yuzuru laughed and delicately took the rose from his hand. He ran his thumb on the thorn while being careful not to press too hard on it.

‘’So I’m your Valentine?’’ he asked almost coyly, trying really hard to suppress that big smile that was forming on his lips now.

‘’Well if you want me as your Valentine?’’ Javier answered on the same tone. 

They both giggled this time when their eyes met. They looked like schoolboys confessing their love to each other for the first time. The whole situation was so childish and so very silly, and yet Javier’s heart kept beating wildly. 

‘’And you give rose only to me?’’ Yuzuru asked more seriously while clenching the flower with both hands and holding it close to his chest. It seemed like he was almost holding his breath while he was waiting for the answer.

‘’Yes, only to you. I … I’m free now,’’ Javier finally uttered in a more sober tone. 

Another smile brightened Yuzuru’s face this time as he exhaled. It was a smile Javier wasn’t sure he had ever seen on him before.

Yuzuru bit his lower lip, and not a second later he vigorously nodded.

‘’Yes. I be your Valentine.’’

They laughed again. Yuzuru’s way of botching that word in his Japanese accent was so adorable that he wanted to hug him right here and there until he wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. He took a step towards him, ready to put his lips on his to claim him as his own when the door behind Yuzuru opened suddenly. It was Machida, who was already calling Yuzuru’s name out and talking to him in Japanese. He stopped dead in his track when he saw that Javier was in the room too.

‘’Hi Javier. I didn’t know you're here. I tell Yuzuru his mother…’’

Yuzuru was nervously fidgeting with the rose he was still holding, his cheeks slightly glowing, while Javier took a step back and awkwardly chuckled.

‘’It’s okay don’t worry I was leaving. I just came by to give Yuzuru something a fan wanted him to have,’’ he hurriedly said. He turned towards Yuzuru while repeatedly scratching his hands on his jeans. ‘’Now that you’ve packed everything, let me help you bring these luggage downstairs.’’ He bent down and took the two cases that were stored next to Yuzuru’s bed. Machida took a step to the side while Javier crossed the threshold with the two cumbersome cases in each hand. Everything happened so fast that Yuzuru watched him leave without having the time to protest. 

‘’You should hurry,’’ Tatsuki told him, ‘’the taxi is already there.’’

‘’Yes, you’re right,’’ Yuzuru answered while forcing himself to focus on what Tatsuki was telling him. ‘’You’re right,’’ he repeated almost in a whisper while looking at the rose in his hand. He smiled to himself as he suddenly remembered a drunken Javier telling him that he smelled like rose petals and turned around to finally finish packing. He tucked the rose in-between two neatly folded shirts and zipped the last of his cases closed. 

‘’I’m ready.’’


	27. Committing

That medal truly was the most beautiful one he’d ever had in his hands. It was bigger and heavier than anything he’d had around his neck before, and its design was somewhat intriguing. The five Olympic rings were of course adorning the left of the golden surface, but that wasn’t just it. There were also several diamond shapes engraved in it, and each one of them was filled with different patterns. Some looked like snowflakes and others reminded him of flowery motives he’d seen on ancient tapestries. But the most beautiful part of that medal was its centre. Because under the gold there was a hidden transparent surface that looked like the core of the medal. It was made of several other rhombus shapes that all put together were forming a prism through which the light was refracted when he held it outside in the sun. If you looked closer, you could see that all those chiselled diamonds looked like snowy mountain tops that were shimmering as soon as the sun rays went through it. It created some kind of dreamlike landscape that ended up dazzling him when he looked at it for too long. 

That medal had gone from hands to hands and around several necks already. Each pair of hands that had touched it had handled it with care, and each pair of eyes that had landed on it had seemed almost awed by it. What he liked best was to put that medal around children’s necks. Their eyes would sparkle then and they would giggle while looking proud wearing this big shiny thing on their chests, or rather on their bellies because the ribbon was too long for them. 

Today he was doing like usual and presenting his medal to the swarm of skaters surrounding him at the Cricket Club. He’d just come back from Japan and everybody rushed to him to congratulate him on his win. He took pictures with everyone and thanked them warmly for their welcome, happy that he could make them so happy in turn. Later he did the same with Nam and then Brian, and his heart overflowed with great contentment and gratitude when he saw how emotional his coach was getting. He had brought him that golden grail that had kept eluding him for so many years, but which Yuzuru had been able to grab for him in a sense. He reflected that all those diamonds that were hidden at the heart of that medal were somehow like all those people around him that had made this big achievement possible. Letting them wear the fruits of that labour was the least he could do for them in return. 

But sometimes he would acutely feel the weight of that medal around his neck and wonder if he was truly worthy of it. His whole world had changed since his name had been engraved on the side of that gold medal. People behaved differently with him and seemed to have big expectations. They would see that medal and celebrate him as someone who had done great things and who had now in his hands the power to change their future. He wanted to do well and truly felt honoured by so much praise, gratitude and trust. But sometimes doubt would creep in his heart as he reflected on the responsibility he now carried on his shoulders. When he handed his medal to Javier who hadn’t seen it yet in the locker room, he’d suddenly felt that moment of doubt again and had asked him that one question he’d already asked himself in a whisper: ‘Who am I now?’ Javier had raised his eyes and looked questioningly at him for a few seconds before touching his face and smiling that reassuring smile of his. ‘You’re just you, and there’s nothing else you could be’. And with that he had put the medal back right where it belonged, around Yuzuru’s neck. In Javier’s mind, there didn’t seem to be any doubt.

 

That night Yuzuru knew Javier would wait for him at his place but once again, his first day in Canada had been so packed, he hadn’t found a moment for himself. He was meant to pass by at the club and only remain there for a short while, but he’d ended up being held there far longer than expected. Other engagements had also meant he hadn’t been able to get enough sleep to recuperate and, as a result, he mostly felt as if he was now sleepwalking. And yet all this hadn’t deterred him from knocking on Javier’s door late at night and literally let himself fall in his arms while he felt soft kisses on his forehead, his cheeks and finally his mouth. He was exhausted and yet in that moment he felt that he was finally able to breathe. He laughed and kissed Javier back while holding his warm face between his cold fingers.

‘’I’m so tired, I feel like your bed is too far,’’ he murmured in his ear with a quiet chuckle. His arms were tightly wound around Javier’s neck and his head already lolling on his shoulder as he was mumbling. 

Javier held him tight in turn and brought him to his bed where he discarded him of most of his clothes and tucked him under the blanket with him. He switched off the light and then snuggled up to him so that he wouldn’t be cold, but also simply because he’d yearned to do it for weeks. He soon fell sound asleep with his arms safely holding him and the light tickling of Yuzuru’s breath grazing his cheek each time he exhaled. 

Javier got awakened in the early hours of dawn though by the tingling of warm lips softly kissing his neck. Yuzuru was now fully awake and craving for another kind of embrace from him. He hadn’t meant to wake Javier up but he hadn’t been able to restrain himself when he had himself opened up his eyes to his warm scent enveloping him at last. His lips languorously trailed down his neck to his shoulder, his hands moving lightly on his stomach and chest while he felt Javier waking up fully and already responding to his touch. ‘Awake already?’ Javier asked him with a chuckle that soon turned into a moan when Yuzuru’s tongue slowly licked around a nipple. Their hips had started that old motion again and the featherlike touches had become more daring and insistent in a matter of seconds. It was like coming alive again as they felt their desire rouse fully inside to the contact of the other’s burning skin and lips. ‘I waited too long,’ Yuzuru gasped in his ear while playfully nibbling at his earlobe. Because more than anything Yuzuru wanted to be naked against Javier. He wanted to be his raw, vulnerable self in the arms of the one person who owned him wholly and that yet allowed him to feel completely uninhibited and free. He’d abandon himself to him without thinking, simply guided by his heart and his instinct and this would be utter bliss and freedom. And while they kept kissing and gave themselves to each other this way, they would start to lose themselves. They didn’t have any notion of who they actually were in that moment because their whole self was melting in that other body they were holding. Each time they met in that endless embrace they would create a world of their own. A world full of their gasps and sweat and burning caresses that would lead them to almost become the other in a nearly agonizing pleasure.  
This time it was Yuzuru who buried himself deep in Javier for the first time. He moved slowly and carefully, breathing tender kisses on Javier’s lips and listening to any sound coming from his mouth. He’d listen, so that he knew how to move to either heighten Javier’s pleasure or lessen his pain. But as they got accustomed to moving in sync this way, their moans grew more desperate and mingled to the point of dissolving any pain there could have been before. They kept moving faster, felt almost as if they were drowning in that overwhelming wave of pleasure that swallowed them whole and ultimately left them stranded ashore. Yuzuru collapsed on Javier’s chest and heard the pounding of both of their hearts echo loudly in his ear as he rested his head there. Their bodies were still trembling from the aftershock of their climax but their breathless mouths had already moved to the other’s lips to soothe him down.

‘’Shhhh,’’ Yuzuru uttered softly while his hand was lightly running up and down Javier’s sternum. ‘’You okay?’’

Javier didn’t answer right away, but after a while Yuzuru felt Javier’s lips move up to his closed eyelids. He breathed gentle kisses there as he always did before they’d drift into sleep together and then secured his hold on that strong, delicate body that was still lying on top of him. 

‘’Yeah,‘’ he sighed as he left a last kiss on his forehead, ‘’I’m fine.’’ 

Yuzuru smiled weakly and soon felt his eyes rolling in his head as his whole body relaxed in Javier’s arms. His mind was quickly falling again into deep oblivion when he heard Javier’s voice pulling him back to the surface for a brief instant.

‘’I love you.’’


	28. Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So exactly thirteen months ago I started posting that story here, although I had already been working on it for several months. I had that long draft which I wasn't too sure about but which I sent to [MissMegara](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMegara/pseuds/MissMegara) so I'd know if it was worth posting. She then encouraged me and gave me precious advice all the way, so that now that draft became a 28 chapters-long story! So a big thank you to you Meg and thank you to all the people who read, left kudos and commented on this work. Now my characters' journey has reached its end and I hope you'll enjoy that last chapter :)

He’d felt great during the whole week he had been there. He had been able to shut himself in his own world while being relaxed enough to actually enjoy everything about this Olympic experience, which had been a dream since as far as he could remember. Being with his national team and representing his country for the whole world to see, seeing his Russian idol there and training on the same ice for the same medal as him, all this was enough for him to feel over the roof. He even had to force himself to calm down at first so as not to repeat the major nosebleed he’d had a few years ago when he’d competed at Japanese nationals for the first time. In the end he had reached that perfect balance between serenity and excitement that he was always striving for. At that point in time he’d felt as if he were unbeatable, and that his emotions were all perfectly under control. That he would not lose, especially not against himself, because all that mattered was to enjoy himself. But then on that very moment when his name was announced to go on the ice for one final showdown, why did he feel so anxious? Why did he feel so cold to the point of almost feeling numb? He was trying to move around but his whole body was heavy and stiff. His legs had felt like lead since the warm up and that perfect balance he’d reached in his body and mind seemed lost tonight. Something was wrong deep within himself and he didn’t know what to do to make it right in time. Because now that his name had been called up he had to go. There was no turning back. He had to calm himself and start skating. He shook hands with Brian who tried his best to hide that look of worry painted on his face and then that was it. He was alone in that big arena, on that immense sheet of ice he was not sure would hold his weight until the end. He lowered his head and whispered encouragements to himself while waiting for that loud, ominous music to give him the start. When it finally did, everything followed as if in a dream. He moved but he had no control over his body. He fell a first time and then a second time in the space of a few seconds. He fell and got up but his heart was beating so fast that the pulsing of his blood in his ears was louder than the music itself. He couldn’t hear well but he knew that he was out of tune. He was trying to catch up with the beat but he felt that the pace was too fast for him. He kept fighting but the more he jumped the more the ice under his skates was cracking. It wouldn’t hold, he knew that. He prepared to do his last jump but he felt himself falling again as the whole rink now seemed to collapse beneath his feet. He tried to scream but his voice got muffled by the water already invading his mouth and his lungs. He was drowning while the music still played on the surface. He could still hear it faintly as he was going deeper and deeper down. And now the ice cold water that had penetrated his body suddenly felt warm and soothing. The sound of the waves felt like a sweet murmur that finally calmed him down. He stopped thrashing and let himself slowly get back to the surface. He opened his eyes to the light at last and saw Javier looking down on him while whispering things in Spanish he didn’t understand. Yuzuru looked at him with confusion until he progressively got aware of his surroundings. He was in Javier’s bed, naked in his arms while Javier kept running his hand on his skin in an attempt to appease him. He was holding a towel in his other hand that he’d just used to gently clean up his body while he was still sleeping. Yuzuru’s heart was still beating wildly but he felt so glad to find the warm presence of Javier by his side that he buried his face in his neck and pulled him down with him without saying anything. They stayed like this for a while, Javier still gently stroking Yuzuru’s back and waiting for him to fully come back to his senses. After a moment Yuzuru raised up his head and looked at Javier with a thankful smile on his lips.

‘’Good morning,‘’ he simply said while still holding him close.

‘’Good morning,‘’ Javier answered and put a kiss on the tip of Yuzuru’s nose. ‘’Bad dream?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Yuzuru answered long drawn out while looking away. He somehow felt stupid but the need to confide in Javier was stronger. ‘’I dream about the free skate. How I don’t feel good, and I fall.’’ He didn’t really have the words to describe the rest of the dream but that free skate had kept haunting him since he’d won the medal. And he didn’t really know how to put an end to that series of nightmares that had kept coming back from time to time.

‘’Well now it’s time to leave the dream behind and practice hard in reality. You’ll be ready for Worlds. _We_ ’ll be ready,’’ Javier added with confidence.

Yuzuru nodded with another smile while he felt a pang of pain for Javier who’d lost a medal out there in Sochi. He cupped his face and ran his thumb on his cheek. ‘’And you? You okay?’’ he asked in a whisper.

Javier decided to dispel the tension right away because he’d felt Yuzuru’s voice slightly shake. He didn’t want to dwell on his failures. Especially not on that morning.

‘’Well if you’re talking about last night’s events yes I’m perfectly okay. Even more than okay,’’ he answered with a broad smile.

Yuzuru laughed against his chest and gave him a light tap with the flat of his hand.

‘’Baka,’’ he said while still chuckling. ‘’But you sure you okay. You don’t feel hurt?’’ he asked with concern.

‘’Well I would lie if I’d said my ass wasn’t a bit sore, but as I said, it was well worth it,’’ Javier replied with a mischievous look on his face.

Yuzuru giggled again but quickly looked away as he felt his cheeks grow suddenly hotter while flashes from what had happened a few hours before came back to him.

‘’And you’re actually blushing. This is like the cutest thing ever,’’ Javier exclaimed as he took Yuzuru by the neck and left a kiss on his cheek. He looked at his flushed face and realized how immesureably happy he felt in that moment to simply be able to wake up by his side.

‘’So you like?’’ Yuzuru asked him while raising his eyes to him again and biting his lower lip.

‘’Yes I like. I’m the one who asked you for it anyway, remember?’’

Yuzuru silently nodded, seemingly reassured. He smiled warmly again and leaned forward to put a kiss on Javier’s lips. ‘’I like it too,’’ he breathed in his ear before leaning back again with a look that made Javier swallow hard.

‘’I hungry,’’ he then added with a satisfied yawn while sitting up fully and stretching out his long arms. ‘’I go to kitchen and look for food. You want coffee?’’ he asked while getting out of bed.

Javier didn’t answer right away as he was too busy taking in the sight of Yuzuru’s naked body lazily stretching out again in the morning light. It was like looking at a smaller version of those perfect Greek statues you saw in museums, except that this one was for real. Each muscle was well drawn and shaped, giving you an idea of how powerful they were, and yet his slender build made him look as if he were as light as a feather. Javier couldn’t help but be completely bewitched by this sight. He felt how oddly attracted he was to him again. How in that very moment he both wanted his hands to circle Yuzuru’s narrow hips to lay him down on his bed, and yet how he also wanted those powerful arms and legs to pin him down in turn so that he wouldn’t be able to move. Both those desires kept soaring in him and always made their sexual encounter more intense and unpredictable than what he had ever known before.

Yuzuru waved at Javier as he saw that the latter wasn’t responding anymore.

‘’You want coffee?’’ he asked again before raising one eyebrow as he saw the way Javier was looking at him by now.

‘’Well what I truly want is you,’’ Javier replied on a playful tone while getting up in turn. ‘’So you’d better put some clothes on before I decide to skip breakfast altogether and have you instead.’’

Yuzuru blushed for the second time this morning before grabbing his pair of boxers that Javier had casually thrown on a chair nearby the night before.

‘’You need breakfast first. So you are strong in bed,’’ Yuzuru said cheekily while Javier was already pulling him close for another kiss.

After a while Yuzuru turned away to finally make that coffee he’d talked about. Javier was just putting on his underpants but stopped in his movement to hold him back by the arm.

‘’By the way, I don’t know if you heard before you fell asleep but…’’

‘’I heard,’’ Yuzuru cut him off instantly. ‘’Me too,’’ he added in a murmur and kissed Javier’s fingers. They froze and smiled at each other, Javier’s hand still in Yuzuru’s and their hearts beating fast. After a while they both broke into a sudden laughter though when they realized that Javier still had only one leg in his boxers. This wasn’t exactly the most romantic of postures.

‘’So let’s make that coffee,’’ Javier finally said after pulling up his undies and clearing his throat while Yuzuru was still giggling. ‘’You’d better not burn it this time,’’ he added with a wink.

Yuzuru gave him a tap on the shoulder as they both exited the room.

‘’I don’t make good coffee but I kick your ass at video games,’’ he teasingly replied.

Javier laughed and took on the challenge.

‘’Alright, after I have my way with you in bed, we’ll play that game I gave you for your birthday.’’

‘’Prepare to lose,’’ Yuzuru said on the same challenging tone while already grabbing the coffee maker from its shelf in the kitchen.

Javier held him from behind and left a light kiss in the crook of his neck while he helped Yuzuru out with his task.

‘’Oh I think I win either way,’’ he whispered in his ear.


End file.
